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Well, you're in for a treat dear readers, because my life just got funny again!
Anyone remember my Pseudo Phone Boyfriend? Well, let me tell you a little story....
I met PPB in community college. We were both in theater. Shawn had just broken up with me right before I left for college. He had broken my heart, yet again (the first time being when I was only 14. I listened to my Toni Braxton cd on repeat). Years later Shawn said it was because he never wanted to hold me back. By that time in my life I knew he was telling the truth, and I also knew he had given me the most precious gift, the freedom to make my own way in the world. I don't know if he ever imagined I'd come back to him, but at the time I knew I would. It's funny how life takes you on exactly the path you thought it would after you've forgotten the way....
But I digress.
I went off to college with the determination to live my life and have all the experiences I'd thus far been deprived of. AKA, I drank a lot that first year. Also, I found myself for the first time being considered attractive to guys. In high school I had boyfriends sure, but one boyfriend at a time, and with some time in between; and really in my group of friends I was the "cool dude with long hair." So the prospect of MULTIPLE guys being interested in me AT ONE TIME just blew my mind. I didn't know how to handle it.
And then I met Prince Charming. He literally was Prince Charming in our production of Cinderella and I was merely a chorus member. The first time I saw him he was skateboarding around the dorm parking lot with aviators on. At night. (That's where I get my saying, "Only two types of people where sunglasses at night. Blind men and douches. Are you blind?") That was it for me. I thought he was the coolest guy I'd ever seen.
PPB was a much quieter guy. While Prince Charming demanded the limelight, PPB did more brooding in the corner. He was mysterious. I didn't "get" him. I thought he was the best looking guy I'd ever seen.
So you can see my connundrum when I had both guys in my dorm room at one time vying for my attention.
PPB just gave up and left.
I made out with Prince Charming a few, unenjoyable times, and then that was it for us. I realized what a fool I'd been. It should've been PPB all along. I snuck in the boys dorm and went to his room to try and talk to him, but he would have none of it. Soon after he got into a very serious relationship, and I thought, "Oh, he never really liked me anyway."
Flash forward to this year. I'm on FB just goofing off when PPB and I start chatting. We hadn't talked in years. He lives in another state and is in the Air Force now.
Then he asks me if I can remember a time in my life that "if it had turned out differently, my whole life would have been better?" I don't know quite how to respond...Then he says, "I think if I had stayed and Prince Charming had left that night, my whole life would be different. It would be better."
My heart skipped a beat.
We began chatting more and more. He asked for my phone number. We started texting, and finally we would talk for hours at night several times a week. When I felt sad, alone, or anxious, I would call him. When I couldn't sleep, I would call him, and he would talk to me until I fell asleep with my face in the phone. It was a dark time in my life, and he was like a little life preserver keeping me afloat.
He bought me customized chucks for Valentine's Day. He let me use his subscription to Netflix for FREE. Sometimes we would watch the same movie on Netflix and then call each other and discuss it.
Then we started talking less and less. The calls became fewer and farther between. Our pseudo romance was becoming an earnest friendship in my mind. I assumed he'd found someone better, or was just plain bored with me.
Now he's here in Kansas on leave. He called me last night. He wants to see me.
I said, "Of course!" Then I realized I'd better explain to him the situation. I told him about Shawn, and to my shock, PPB got really upset. He said he didn't want to see me.
Still oblivious, I replied, "You don't want to see me just because I'm seeing someone? But, we're friends? You don't even like me....Oh my god, do you like me?!"
"Don't make me say it...."
"I didn't realize! I thought you were interested in someone else...I thought...."
"Of course I like you. I can't believe you thought I didn't like you. I bought you shoes"
"That was months ago..." was my feeble defense.
A huge smile broke out on my face.
He doesn't know his plans for sure yet, but he wants to see me this weekend. Shawn also hasn't confirmed if he's available this weekend, but I was supposed to see him, too.
I've been wanting to see my Pseudo Phone Boyfriend for over half a year now. I don't want to pass up this opportunity to see him before he goes off to war. On the other hand, I love Shawn. We haven't talked about being exclusive but I know this would hurt him.
It's not like either one of them are going to Ohio with me.
These aren't just some random dudes, though.
I don't know what to do.
Holy Balls.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
"Half of my heart..."
"Is a shotgun wedding
To a bride with a paper ring..."
--John Mayer
I promised myself when I started this that I wouldn't hold anything back. That has gotten increasingly difficult as my readers seem to grow in numbers without my knowledge and people I'm writing about tend to not like to be mentioned, but I've perservered. I was just telling little stories. Funny tidbits.
But now my heart's in it, and writing from my heart and my not my funnybone has never been my strong suit, at least in a public venue. Please be patient with me as I try to get past all my defenses and tell you about my current dating situation without lying to you or myself.
I went to visit Shawn again this weekend. It was great. Sword fights in Hastings, reading books and playing chess in the cafe, picking out sunglasses for his roommate, a new pair of jeans, stuffed mushrooms, jamming with an acoustic guitar on the front porch, making a 9 foot beer bong, watching Zombieland in bed, holding hands, berry weiss, a bonfire, loads of compliments, and laughing really, really hard.
I had to stop periodically and remind myself to remember these moments, they never last.
A little over a month from now, I will be gone. Shawn won't be coming with me.
Sure, he gets on my nerves. Yeah, he doesn't know how to match, or own dress shoes, he wears clothes with holes in them, he chews tobacco, he talks about football way too much (and this is coming from a girl who likes football), he's too stuck in the "glory days" of high school, he doesn't have a college degree, and we bicker like an old married couple....and I love it. I just feel like I have to see this through. I'm not going to leap into anything, but I'm going to put myself out there for the first time in a long time.
And when I leave....
IF I leave...You see, my step-dale has been hurt and unable to work and now my mom doesn't know if they can afford to send me to grad school. I've been working overtime trying to save but there's the possibility that I might have to stay here in Small Town, KS for another year to save the money to go.
But not going to grad school is not an option in my mind. This school only accepts TWO people a year, and they accepted me, and if I blow them off, who knows if I'll get in again? I'll do whatever it takes to make sure I go, but there's a feeling in my chest. A tightness. It feels like all my worst fears are coming true. OF COURSE something would happen to make it hard, things can never be easy, it seems. I haven't been able to really relax since my mom came into my room and gave the blow. I may look relaxed, but it's like walking around with "brick in your pocket" as the playwright David Lindsey-Abaire would say. Sure, you can get around, but it's always there, weighing you down.
When I think of staying I see this mundane life where I basically cook and clean for a living. Not really using my mind, not CREATING. My mom would think I was being overdramatic but that feels like dying a little bit at a time. Some people can settle, some people are like sharks and have to keep swimming to survive.
Sometimes it feels like Shawn is the only light in this tunnel.
I keep telling myself that everything will be fine.
Who knew love would be so hard? Whether it's romantic love, friendship, or the love of theatrical arts, truly loving something is the worst feeling ever worth feeling....and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
"Half of my heart
Is the part of the man
Who's never truly loved anything"
--John Mayer
To a bride with a paper ring..."
--John Mayer
I promised myself when I started this that I wouldn't hold anything back. That has gotten increasingly difficult as my readers seem to grow in numbers without my knowledge and people I'm writing about tend to not like to be mentioned, but I've perservered. I was just telling little stories. Funny tidbits.
But now my heart's in it, and writing from my heart and my not my funnybone has never been my strong suit, at least in a public venue. Please be patient with me as I try to get past all my defenses and tell you about my current dating situation without lying to you or myself.
I went to visit Shawn again this weekend. It was great. Sword fights in Hastings, reading books and playing chess in the cafe, picking out sunglasses for his roommate, a new pair of jeans, stuffed mushrooms, jamming with an acoustic guitar on the front porch, making a 9 foot beer bong, watching Zombieland in bed, holding hands, berry weiss, a bonfire, loads of compliments, and laughing really, really hard.
I had to stop periodically and remind myself to remember these moments, they never last.
A little over a month from now, I will be gone. Shawn won't be coming with me.
Sure, he gets on my nerves. Yeah, he doesn't know how to match, or own dress shoes, he wears clothes with holes in them, he chews tobacco, he talks about football way too much (and this is coming from a girl who likes football), he's too stuck in the "glory days" of high school, he doesn't have a college degree, and we bicker like an old married couple....and I love it. I just feel like I have to see this through. I'm not going to leap into anything, but I'm going to put myself out there for the first time in a long time.
And when I leave....
IF I leave...You see, my step-dale has been hurt and unable to work and now my mom doesn't know if they can afford to send me to grad school. I've been working overtime trying to save but there's the possibility that I might have to stay here in Small Town, KS for another year to save the money to go.
But not going to grad school is not an option in my mind. This school only accepts TWO people a year, and they accepted me, and if I blow them off, who knows if I'll get in again? I'll do whatever it takes to make sure I go, but there's a feeling in my chest. A tightness. It feels like all my worst fears are coming true. OF COURSE something would happen to make it hard, things can never be easy, it seems. I haven't been able to really relax since my mom came into my room and gave the blow. I may look relaxed, but it's like walking around with "brick in your pocket" as the playwright David Lindsey-Abaire would say. Sure, you can get around, but it's always there, weighing you down.
When I think of staying I see this mundane life where I basically cook and clean for a living. Not really using my mind, not CREATING. My mom would think I was being overdramatic but that feels like dying a little bit at a time. Some people can settle, some people are like sharks and have to keep swimming to survive.
Sometimes it feels like Shawn is the only light in this tunnel.
I keep telling myself that everything will be fine.
Who knew love would be so hard? Whether it's romantic love, friendship, or the love of theatrical arts, truly loving something is the worst feeling ever worth feeling....and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
"Half of my heart
Is the part of the man
Who's never truly loved anything"
--John Mayer
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
JT*
So, since I've been thinking I might be in love, or at least that I might be ready to take a chance on love, I decided to test myself....
I went to JT's facebook page. You know JT, if you know me, you've at least HEARD about him.
We met at one of my first ever ZOIKS shows (I deleted myself from the ZOIKS Official Members Only FB page yesterday, and it made me kinda sad). The one at the bar where I accidentally flashed my boobs pretending to be a honry 13 year-old. I also went around randomly humping the audience. One of my best friends, Essay, was standing next to him in the crowd and he said, "Now, that girl. That girl is funny." Essay told me about it later, and I was in LOVE (like I've said before, most guys don't appreciate a funny girl).
We saw each other again at New Years. My first New Years celebration in Emporia. I kissed EVERYONE that night, and I....mean....EV-ER-Y-ONE. I made out with JT. I was in LOVE.
I started writing a musical about him (one no one should EVER read). I invented these elaborate fantasies of our life together in my head. There is the famous one about us walking our golden retrievers and the leashes get tangled up and we fall down and laugh really, really hard. It was great. I was in LOVE.
Had I spoken even a script's page worth of words to him? No. But, it didn't matter, I was in LOVE.
And then my last summer theater rolled around. JT came to town. We FINALLY hooked up, and it was.....bad. Miserable, really. Turns out I was in love with the JT in my head, not the one who really exists. To this day, I wonder what could have been if this or that had not gone wrong...if I hadn't been so nervous I wasn't even acting like myself. I was so nervous around this guy I couldn't sleep, or eat, or BE FUNNY. I can ALWAYS be funny. That's how I get through my life, but around him I was just this slobbering, fumbling stupid girl. I can be very charming, and really cool....not around JT. JT was like my kryptonite. I once said that if he asked me to quit reading Vogue my response would be "What's Vogue?"
That's not a way to live your life. And I have since learned that when you love someone from afar, it's like regular television, and everything looks fine; but when you really get to know them everyhting's in HD and you can see all the imperfections. And it isn't pretty.
So today I looked at his profile, and longed for the dream man that was really a nightmare.
I've seen all of Shawn's imperfections. Is love thinking someone is great despite all their faults, or just learning to live with them?
Still, if JT came to me right now and said "Drop everything, let's be together forever." I'd say, "Sure thing."
Actually, I'd say, "Sure, but let me get my Prada shoes, and my Coach scarf, my Armani watch....."
But that's another silly fantasy.
Old habits die hard. JT's one. Is Shawn one?
*name has been altered to protect the innocent
I went to JT's facebook page. You know JT, if you know me, you've at least HEARD about him.
We met at one of my first ever ZOIKS shows (I deleted myself from the ZOIKS Official Members Only FB page yesterday, and it made me kinda sad). The one at the bar where I accidentally flashed my boobs pretending to be a honry 13 year-old. I also went around randomly humping the audience. One of my best friends, Essay, was standing next to him in the crowd and he said, "Now, that girl. That girl is funny." Essay told me about it later, and I was in LOVE (like I've said before, most guys don't appreciate a funny girl).
We saw each other again at New Years. My first New Years celebration in Emporia. I kissed EVERYONE that night, and I....mean....EV-ER-Y-ONE. I made out with JT. I was in LOVE.
I started writing a musical about him (one no one should EVER read). I invented these elaborate fantasies of our life together in my head. There is the famous one about us walking our golden retrievers and the leashes get tangled up and we fall down and laugh really, really hard. It was great. I was in LOVE.
Had I spoken even a script's page worth of words to him? No. But, it didn't matter, I was in LOVE.
And then my last summer theater rolled around. JT came to town. We FINALLY hooked up, and it was.....bad. Miserable, really. Turns out I was in love with the JT in my head, not the one who really exists. To this day, I wonder what could have been if this or that had not gone wrong...if I hadn't been so nervous I wasn't even acting like myself. I was so nervous around this guy I couldn't sleep, or eat, or BE FUNNY. I can ALWAYS be funny. That's how I get through my life, but around him I was just this slobbering, fumbling stupid girl. I can be very charming, and really cool....not around JT. JT was like my kryptonite. I once said that if he asked me to quit reading Vogue my response would be "What's Vogue?"
That's not a way to live your life. And I have since learned that when you love someone from afar, it's like regular television, and everything looks fine; but when you really get to know them everyhting's in HD and you can see all the imperfections. And it isn't pretty.
So today I looked at his profile, and longed for the dream man that was really a nightmare.
I've seen all of Shawn's imperfections. Is love thinking someone is great despite all their faults, or just learning to live with them?
Still, if JT came to me right now and said "Drop everything, let's be together forever." I'd say, "Sure thing."
Actually, I'd say, "Sure, but let me get my Prada shoes, and my Coach scarf, my Armani watch....."
But that's another silly fantasy.
Old habits die hard. JT's one. Is Shawn one?
*name has been altered to protect the innocent
Monday, July 26, 2010
How do you expect me....
To live alone with just me?
....It's so hard for me breathe.
Been playing that song on repeat ever since I left Shawn's this weekend. I mean, like obsessively. It feels like the only way to express how I feel right now, but I will attempt to on here.
I asked Shawn to move to Cincinnati. Not a hypothetical, not a joke: for real. Whether or not he took it that way, I don't know.
Why would I do something so completely bonkers?
Well, I said it was because I would have a roommate so I would't have to worry about finding one, and Shawn would keep me safe, and I know he would pay the rent, and he'd be great during the moving process for carrying stuff....blah, blah, blah...
I can't help wondering if the truth is I don't want to live without him?
I know I CAN, but what if I don't want to? What if this is it?
It's all waaay to heavy for me. Shawn can't be the one right? He's not well-read, artsy, stylish, or anything like I imagined "the one" being. I don't know if I even believe in "the one", but he doesn't even meet any of my criteria! He's a REPUBLICAN who HUNTS and drives a TRUCK....and I love him. I don't know how I love him, but I've never doubted that I do. That's not in question. There are a million other questions, questions I can't, WON'T ask....
This is bad. I don't want this. I don't want to have to miss anything when I move, or regret anything, and I am NOT giving up my dream, not for ANYTHING, and especially not to move to Pittsburg, KS like Shawn suggested.
But, the truth is, Shawn wouldn't want me to. And I don't know why I expect him to give up everything when I won't. He'd leave his best friends, his job, his dog...but, really, he won't. I know in my heart he won't move. And then I'll live in Cincinnati 15 megabus hours (I measure long distances by how long it takes to get there on the cheapest bus) away, and that will be it. Sure, we'll talk sometimes, and maybe visit on holidays, but the saga that is Shawn and Tricia will be over. Really over. I knew it would happen, I guess I just didn't expect it to make me so damn sad.
We were all hanging out at his best friend's house and drinking a delicious New Orleans drink called a hurricane and getting plenty drunk when his friend blurted out: "What are you two doing? C'mon, you're perfect for each other, I don't see what the problem is!" He'd called us out, and all we could do was mumble excuses awkwardly.
This isn't my life. It can't be my life. Why then, does it feel sometimes like I'm it fighting for no reason? This weekend wasn't even romantic or anything, we didn't even DO anything. But he just makes me feel so safe, and special, and pretty...and I guess I'm old enough now to know that's hard to find. It feels like I've just been in denial all this time.
What am I saying?! I can't settle down! I can't get....gasp....married...
But it's not about that. I'm not rushing into anything. But if he moved with me, I'd give it a shot, really give it a shot, but I'm too chicken to tell him that, and I'm so afraid to put myself out there. I know he'll just let me down, because I've always seen more in him than he can see in himself. My heart will break, and I'm just a big, fat, sissy who's afraid to break her heart. He was my first hearbreak. I don't know if I can handle him being my last. When it comes down to it I'm afraid of love, and all that comes with it.
And if it did work out...
What would I blog about then? This is a dating blog, not a "happily ever after" blog. And I'm just not a fairytale kind of girl. It doesn't turn out that the right one was there all along. That's not how this story ends.
So, I'm just going to enjoy my time with him. No more holding back, just enjoy it. Whatever happens, happens. What could possibly go wrong besides everything?
This feeling will pass, I'm sure.
"Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you're gonna be without me?
If you ain't here I just can't breathe
No air
No air"
....It's so hard for me breathe.
Been playing that song on repeat ever since I left Shawn's this weekend. I mean, like obsessively. It feels like the only way to express how I feel right now, but I will attempt to on here.
I asked Shawn to move to Cincinnati. Not a hypothetical, not a joke: for real. Whether or not he took it that way, I don't know.
Why would I do something so completely bonkers?
Well, I said it was because I would have a roommate so I would't have to worry about finding one, and Shawn would keep me safe, and I know he would pay the rent, and he'd be great during the moving process for carrying stuff....blah, blah, blah...
I can't help wondering if the truth is I don't want to live without him?
I know I CAN, but what if I don't want to? What if this is it?
It's all waaay to heavy for me. Shawn can't be the one right? He's not well-read, artsy, stylish, or anything like I imagined "the one" being. I don't know if I even believe in "the one", but he doesn't even meet any of my criteria! He's a REPUBLICAN who HUNTS and drives a TRUCK....and I love him. I don't know how I love him, but I've never doubted that I do. That's not in question. There are a million other questions, questions I can't, WON'T ask....
This is bad. I don't want this. I don't want to have to miss anything when I move, or regret anything, and I am NOT giving up my dream, not for ANYTHING, and especially not to move to Pittsburg, KS like Shawn suggested.
But, the truth is, Shawn wouldn't want me to. And I don't know why I expect him to give up everything when I won't. He'd leave his best friends, his job, his dog...but, really, he won't. I know in my heart he won't move. And then I'll live in Cincinnati 15 megabus hours (I measure long distances by how long it takes to get there on the cheapest bus) away, and that will be it. Sure, we'll talk sometimes, and maybe visit on holidays, but the saga that is Shawn and Tricia will be over. Really over. I knew it would happen, I guess I just didn't expect it to make me so damn sad.
We were all hanging out at his best friend's house and drinking a delicious New Orleans drink called a hurricane and getting plenty drunk when his friend blurted out: "What are you two doing? C'mon, you're perfect for each other, I don't see what the problem is!" He'd called us out, and all we could do was mumble excuses awkwardly.
This isn't my life. It can't be my life. Why then, does it feel sometimes like I'm it fighting for no reason? This weekend wasn't even romantic or anything, we didn't even DO anything. But he just makes me feel so safe, and special, and pretty...and I guess I'm old enough now to know that's hard to find. It feels like I've just been in denial all this time.
What am I saying?! I can't settle down! I can't get....gasp....married...
But it's not about that. I'm not rushing into anything. But if he moved with me, I'd give it a shot, really give it a shot, but I'm too chicken to tell him that, and I'm so afraid to put myself out there. I know he'll just let me down, because I've always seen more in him than he can see in himself. My heart will break, and I'm just a big, fat, sissy who's afraid to break her heart. He was my first hearbreak. I don't know if I can handle him being my last. When it comes down to it I'm afraid of love, and all that comes with it.
And if it did work out...
What would I blog about then? This is a dating blog, not a "happily ever after" blog. And I'm just not a fairytale kind of girl. It doesn't turn out that the right one was there all along. That's not how this story ends.
So, I'm just going to enjoy my time with him. No more holding back, just enjoy it. Whatever happens, happens. What could possibly go wrong besides everything?
This feeling will pass, I'm sure.
"Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you're gonna be without me?
If you ain't here I just can't breathe
No air
No air"
Monday, July 5, 2010
The Small-Town, KS Slump
I am back in my hometown and bored outta my mind.
You see, in Emporia I had a new guy every week or so. Mind you, these encounters did not lead to any great relationships, and the guys usually sucked (because I heart guys that suck), but it kept my life interesting.
Here in Small-Town, KS there is a beautiful lake just a few blocks from my house where I go walking, ther is a beautiful countryside view out my bedroom window, and there is absolutley NO social life.
However, this Fourth of July weekend also happened to be the All School Reunion for my HS and so people I haven't seen for years came from all around.
Including Shawn.
We spent the whole weekend together, he even went to the Alumni Dinner with me because I was performing a song with my Step-Dale (my nickname for my Step Dad, Dale). Shawn was a great date, even though we can't seem to spend any length of time together without bickering like an old married couple.
Out and about we ran into one of Shawn's best buddies who he used to live with back when we were dating. At one point in the night he pulled me aside, "What have you done to him this weekend?"
Totally confused by the question I said, "What are you talking about?"
"I heard you were moving out of state." Was his reply.
"Yep, in September." My face lit up as it has been latley, whenever I talk about my upcoming grad school adventure.
"Oh, that's what you did to him." Was all he said.
It was like taking a bullet. I guess I didn't think Shawn really cared, or at least he didn't seem to. I was always so blind. Moments that night had felt like old times, and I had looked at him the way I saw him 6 years ago when he was my world. It felt really nice...but the kind of really nice that's like starting to feel warm again just as you succumb to hypothermia. I can't succumb, right?
But the most important man I saw this weekend, who is, and always will be one of the most important men in my life, was Bo.
We just laughed and laughed, and put our hearts on our cynical, designer sleeves.
Bo, the male, gay, asian equivalent of my mother. The guy who sees the good in me when even I haven't found it yet.
We were talking about when we first met. He asked me to tell my side of the story to see if it was the same as his.
My side was thus:
We were in choir together and you were being a total snob, using your big vocabularly and trying to make me feel stupid, basically using your smarts as a defense mechanism, when I finally said, "Bowen (his full name), I know you're used to being the smartest person around, but I know what all those words mean, and you're not making any sense." Oh, Snap!
Then he told me his side of the story:
All he said was, "I can't remember a time without you in my life."
I almost cried, but all I said was, "You bitch!" And we both burst into a fit of laughter.
Sometimes the best dates aren't romantic at all. And as I watched my best girlfriend from HS stumbling around the bar because she had talked her mom into watching the baby, and as I sang "Don't Stop Believing" at the top of my lungs with her uncle Corey, and as I caught up with people I hadn't seen in years, I realized that sometimes the best dates are old friends. And that's what Shawn is too, an old friend.
You see, in Emporia I had a new guy every week or so. Mind you, these encounters did not lead to any great relationships, and the guys usually sucked (because I heart guys that suck), but it kept my life interesting.
Here in Small-Town, KS there is a beautiful lake just a few blocks from my house where I go walking, ther is a beautiful countryside view out my bedroom window, and there is absolutley NO social life.
However, this Fourth of July weekend also happened to be the All School Reunion for my HS and so people I haven't seen for years came from all around.
Including Shawn.
We spent the whole weekend together, he even went to the Alumni Dinner with me because I was performing a song with my Step-Dale (my nickname for my Step Dad, Dale). Shawn was a great date, even though we can't seem to spend any length of time together without bickering like an old married couple.
Out and about we ran into one of Shawn's best buddies who he used to live with back when we were dating. At one point in the night he pulled me aside, "What have you done to him this weekend?"
Totally confused by the question I said, "What are you talking about?"
"I heard you were moving out of state." Was his reply.
"Yep, in September." My face lit up as it has been latley, whenever I talk about my upcoming grad school adventure.
"Oh, that's what you did to him." Was all he said.
It was like taking a bullet. I guess I didn't think Shawn really cared, or at least he didn't seem to. I was always so blind. Moments that night had felt like old times, and I had looked at him the way I saw him 6 years ago when he was my world. It felt really nice...but the kind of really nice that's like starting to feel warm again just as you succumb to hypothermia. I can't succumb, right?
But the most important man I saw this weekend, who is, and always will be one of the most important men in my life, was Bo.
We just laughed and laughed, and put our hearts on our cynical, designer sleeves.
Bo, the male, gay, asian equivalent of my mother. The guy who sees the good in me when even I haven't found it yet.
We were talking about when we first met. He asked me to tell my side of the story to see if it was the same as his.
My side was thus:
We were in choir together and you were being a total snob, using your big vocabularly and trying to make me feel stupid, basically using your smarts as a defense mechanism, when I finally said, "Bowen (his full name), I know you're used to being the smartest person around, but I know what all those words mean, and you're not making any sense." Oh, Snap!
Then he told me his side of the story:
All he said was, "I can't remember a time without you in my life."
I almost cried, but all I said was, "You bitch!" And we both burst into a fit of laughter.
Sometimes the best dates aren't romantic at all. And as I watched my best girlfriend from HS stumbling around the bar because she had talked her mom into watching the baby, and as I sang "Don't Stop Believing" at the top of my lungs with her uncle Corey, and as I caught up with people I hadn't seen in years, I realized that sometimes the best dates are old friends. And that's what Shawn is too, an old friend.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
My Last Night in Emporia
My old friend Josh had just gotten to town to do summer theater, so it was his first night in town, and I was rolling out right after work the next day, so it was my last night in town....and we decided to celebrate.
We went out to the Noose, which we hardly ever go to now, because they were having a $1 PBR special. I'm wearing a new top that I got for my b-day that really shows off the girls and a beautiful coral statement necklace. I walk into the bar laughing with my friends and then I have to do a double take:
It's Glass Guy.
He always seems to just magically appear when I'm least expecting him.
I haven't spoken to him since that chance encounter at the bar weeks ago. I'd deleted him from my phone and even un-friended him on Facebook. I was DONE with GG (truth be told I would still check out his FB profile every now and again). DONE. But there he was, on my last night in town. It felt like fate. Like God was giving me a freebie.
He hugged me hello, bought me a drink (I didn't pay for a drink all night. SWEET!), and we got to talking, like we always do, but it was different this time. I didn't get the crazy stomach flip or feel nauseous. I didn't even really get into that bubble where I only notice him. It was liberating. I actually didn't care. My mind was just in "Whatevs. I'm outta here!" mode.
He drove me home. Apparently when you have no means to cook food (or really anything in your apartment but a bed and a suitcase) and are trying to sustain yourself on a couple of value menu tacos from Taco Bell, you get drunk a lot easier. He stayed the night. I hate sleeping alone so it was a good way to spend my last night.
Something had definitely changed from before, and it was for the better. We snuggled, he kissed my forehead, he gave compliments.....He was still awkward, but since I was out of my infatuated haze I saw it for what it was: a defense mechanism. At that point I realized that it is quite possible that GG has NEVER had a real girlfriend, so he doesn't really know what to do around girls. And it is also possible that he liked me a more than I thought (although it doesn't really matter now). I actually LAUGHED at stuff instead of getting all offended. It was an all-around nice evening.
He said he wanted to come visit me in Cincinnati.
Maybe if he comes to visit me we'll have a grand old time, but I'm not getting my hopes up or waiting around. I've already got one foot out the door. I'm gone.
Somehow, without even discussing everything, it all feels resolved, and to be honest, I could care less at this point. I feel like I finally got to have the summer fling I was looking for, and now I'm done.
Mission Accomplished.
We went out to the Noose, which we hardly ever go to now, because they were having a $1 PBR special. I'm wearing a new top that I got for my b-day that really shows off the girls and a beautiful coral statement necklace. I walk into the bar laughing with my friends and then I have to do a double take:
It's Glass Guy.
He always seems to just magically appear when I'm least expecting him.
I haven't spoken to him since that chance encounter at the bar weeks ago. I'd deleted him from my phone and even un-friended him on Facebook. I was DONE with GG (truth be told I would still check out his FB profile every now and again). DONE. But there he was, on my last night in town. It felt like fate. Like God was giving me a freebie.
He hugged me hello, bought me a drink (I didn't pay for a drink all night. SWEET!), and we got to talking, like we always do, but it was different this time. I didn't get the crazy stomach flip or feel nauseous. I didn't even really get into that bubble where I only notice him. It was liberating. I actually didn't care. My mind was just in "Whatevs. I'm outta here!" mode.
He drove me home. Apparently when you have no means to cook food (or really anything in your apartment but a bed and a suitcase) and are trying to sustain yourself on a couple of value menu tacos from Taco Bell, you get drunk a lot easier. He stayed the night. I hate sleeping alone so it was a good way to spend my last night.
Something had definitely changed from before, and it was for the better. We snuggled, he kissed my forehead, he gave compliments.....He was still awkward, but since I was out of my infatuated haze I saw it for what it was: a defense mechanism. At that point I realized that it is quite possible that GG has NEVER had a real girlfriend, so he doesn't really know what to do around girls. And it is also possible that he liked me a more than I thought (although it doesn't really matter now). I actually LAUGHED at stuff instead of getting all offended. It was an all-around nice evening.
He said he wanted to come visit me in Cincinnati.
Maybe if he comes to visit me we'll have a grand old time, but I'm not getting my hopes up or waiting around. I've already got one foot out the door. I'm gone.
Somehow, without even discussing everything, it all feels resolved, and to be honest, I could care less at this point. I feel like I finally got to have the summer fling I was looking for, and now I'm done.
Mission Accomplished.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Simple Dating Rules for Guys
I haven't posted in while because I haven't had access to a computer. Sorry, to my devoted fans (if I even have any) I am back in action.
I wish I could say that this past month has been pretty uneventful in the dating realm, but it hasn't, and for once I just wish it would be. So, instead of catching you up, I thought I might give a few dating pointers for any of my male readers.
1. Dress to impress. I know when I open the door whether the date is going to be a success or not. It's not just if you have a sense of style, which is important, but whether or not you took the time to make yourself look good. If you need it spelled out for you, here are some things that are probably not appropriate date wear (unless you are going to an amusement park or something of that nature): tee shirts, cargo shorts, athletic sneakers, ratty old jeans, flip flops, cargo pants, ball caps. Here are some things that are not only inappropriate on a date, but EVER: wife-beaters by themselves, swim trunks (worn as regular shorts), and tee shirts with lewd sayings.
2. Time is essential. The problem I've run into with most younger guys is that they don't know how to end a date. I recently went on a date that started out alright. He picked me up at 7, we ate dinner, and then we went out to the river to chat and watch the sun set. It was all summing up to a pretty decent first date, then he says "Well, what do you want to do now?" Well, I WANTED to go home and decompress, but I didn't want to be rude. We ended up watching a movie at my place until I FINALLY kicked him out at 12:30! The date was OVER FIVE HOURS LONG! That's ridiculous! There is no reason for a date to be that long. I get tired of being "on' after 3 hours. So please guys, give the girl a break!
3. Pay. Guys should always pay for the first date. They just should. If they asked you out, they should pay. I'm an independent, free-thinking lady but I know a gentleman when I see one and a gentleman pays.
4. PLAN. If you ask a girl out, plan what you are going to do. Plan every activity. Nothing is worse than getting in a car and having a guy go, "Sooo, what do you want to do/where do you want to eat, etc.?" Planning shows that you took time to think about what she'd enjoy and that you are assertive and confident. Those are all good things.
5. Don't kiss (or at least do more than kiss, it's only the first date!). The end of the night on the first date is always awkward, but know this: you don't want to make it more awkward by kissing a girl who is not ready to kiss. Unless the chemistry has just been amazing, a hug and maybe a kiss on the cheek will suffice. The end of the night is for scheduling the next date, not for a hot hook-up, so don't force it!
These should be common-sense, but in my experience, they are not, so please, take this to heart guys, and I garantee the next date you go on will be smooth sailing (if that's the activity you PLANNED for the date). Well, as long as she likes you.
I wish I could say that this past month has been pretty uneventful in the dating realm, but it hasn't, and for once I just wish it would be. So, instead of catching you up, I thought I might give a few dating pointers for any of my male readers.
1. Dress to impress. I know when I open the door whether the date is going to be a success or not. It's not just if you have a sense of style, which is important, but whether or not you took the time to make yourself look good. If you need it spelled out for you, here are some things that are probably not appropriate date wear (unless you are going to an amusement park or something of that nature): tee shirts, cargo shorts, athletic sneakers, ratty old jeans, flip flops, cargo pants, ball caps. Here are some things that are not only inappropriate on a date, but EVER: wife-beaters by themselves, swim trunks (worn as regular shorts), and tee shirts with lewd sayings.
2. Time is essential. The problem I've run into with most younger guys is that they don't know how to end a date. I recently went on a date that started out alright. He picked me up at 7, we ate dinner, and then we went out to the river to chat and watch the sun set. It was all summing up to a pretty decent first date, then he says "Well, what do you want to do now?" Well, I WANTED to go home and decompress, but I didn't want to be rude. We ended up watching a movie at my place until I FINALLY kicked him out at 12:30! The date was OVER FIVE HOURS LONG! That's ridiculous! There is no reason for a date to be that long. I get tired of being "on' after 3 hours. So please guys, give the girl a break!
3. Pay. Guys should always pay for the first date. They just should. If they asked you out, they should pay. I'm an independent, free-thinking lady but I know a gentleman when I see one and a gentleman pays.
4. PLAN. If you ask a girl out, plan what you are going to do. Plan every activity. Nothing is worse than getting in a car and having a guy go, "Sooo, what do you want to do/where do you want to eat, etc.?" Planning shows that you took time to think about what she'd enjoy and that you are assertive and confident. Those are all good things.
5. Don't kiss (or at least do more than kiss, it's only the first date!). The end of the night on the first date is always awkward, but know this: you don't want to make it more awkward by kissing a girl who is not ready to kiss. Unless the chemistry has just been amazing, a hug and maybe a kiss on the cheek will suffice. The end of the night is for scheduling the next date, not for a hot hook-up, so don't force it!
These should be common-sense, but in my experience, they are not, so please, take this to heart guys, and I garantee the next date you go on will be smooth sailing (if that's the activity you PLANNED for the date). Well, as long as she likes you.
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