Couples

I don't understand how couples work.

As a certified genius (no joke, technically my IQ says I am, but I've never been a strong believer in standardized tests) this simple joining of two people in a committed relationship should make sense to me, but it doesn't. I am totally and completely baffled by it time and time again.

I can see when two people would be good together. I can pinpoint qualities of a healthy relationship. I can even figure out when one of my relationships needs to end (and in record time compared to many of my female colleagues). What I don't get is how to become a couple. And once you've become one, how do you stay that way?

Sure, I've been in a couple before. I've even been happy for a while in coupledom, but I've never been in a relationship that just seems right.

Does no one else get that sinking feeling like if you don't jump ship right now you'll go down with it?

I see couples all the time that just seem right together. There's my ex who has the girlfriend who looks like she could be his sister, and my art friend couple with their weird old-fashioned names; and they all seem to get along famously. There's also my couple friends who work because they are opposites, like both my friends named Amanda who got married to the perfect guy for them this year, because they were everything Amanda (plural) was not and vice versa.


I've dated guys who are just like me and I found them annoying (wait a minute, am I annoying?), and I've dated my opposite and been so bored I literally fell asleep during a date. To be fair, I'd been working long hours and was really tired, but STILL!

I've also seen girls who just take on the personality and tastes of whoever they are dating. As a former actress and lover of new things I think it is fun to dip into someone else's world, but ultimately my personality is far too strong to be consumed by someone else.

I just feel like that big puzzle piece in a jigsaw puzzle that, try as you might, you can never find where it goes. Yeah, it goes somewhere, but where? Is it the ear of the puppy, or a piece of the flower, or the corner of the sky? You'd think it'd be obvious, but it's not.

Maybe if I just figure out who I am...

But I KNOW who I am and I am full of paradoxes. I'm a girl who loves football and Vogue. I'm a make-up designer who drinks beer and does improv. On my list of favorite movies is both "When Harry Met Sally," and "Romeo + Juliet," alongside "Children of the Corn," and "Taxi Driver." I could easily spend an hour fixing myself up to go out or making a 9-foot beer bong. (Both have led to an exceedingly fun night). I like hiking and spa pedicures. I sing opera and love punk music. I can sew a beautiful dress, but have burned canned soup. I read like it's going out of style (it is, I know) but get annoyed with "intellectuals." I'm from a no-stoplight town in Kansas (and love it), but I dream of working on (well, behind, underneath, etc.) the biggest stages in the world. I am totally irresponsible (my Mom's words; but losing my keys, cellphone, mind....is a daily thing) and yet completely driven and goal-oriented.

Where does someone like me fit? The crass, high-fashion, loud, wine-drinking, opinionated, theater lover?

How do you match that?

Sometimes I feel too big, in every sense of the word, to fit into a couple.

I wish there was a standardized test on how to be a couple. I rock at those.