JT*

So, since I've been thinking I might be in love, or at least that I might be ready to take a chance on love, I decided to test myself....

I went to JT's facebook page. You know JT, if you know me, you've at least HEARD about him.

We met at one of my first ever ZOIKS shows (I deleted myself from the ZOIKS Official Members Only FB page yesterday, and it made me kinda sad). The one at the bar where I accidentally flashed my boobs pretending to be a honry 13 year-old. I also went around randomly humping the audience. One of my best friends, Essay, was standing next to him in the crowd and he said, "Now, that girl. That girl is funny." Essay told me about it later, and I was in LOVE (like I've said before, most guys don't appreciate a funny girl).

We saw each other again at New Years. My first New Years celebration in Emporia. I kissed EVERYONE that night, and I....mean....EV-ER-Y-ONE. I made out with JT. I was in LOVE.

I started writing a musical about him (one no one should EVER read). I invented these elaborate fantasies of our life together in my head. There is the famous one about us walking our golden retrievers and the leashes get tangled up and we fall down and laugh really, really hard. It was great. I was in LOVE.

Had I spoken even a script's page worth of words to him? No. But, it didn't matter, I was in LOVE.

And then my last summer theater rolled around. JT came to town. We FINALLY hooked up, and it was.....bad. Miserable, really. Turns out I was in love with the JT in my head, not the one who really exists. To this day, I wonder what could have been if this or that had not gone wrong...if I hadn't been so nervous I wasn't even acting like myself. I was so nervous around this guy I couldn't sleep, or eat, or BE FUNNY. I can ALWAYS be funny. That's how I get through my life, but around him I was just this slobbering, fumbling stupid girl. I can be very charming, and really cool....not around JT. JT was like my kryptonite. I once said that if he asked me to quit reading Vogue my response would be "What's Vogue?"

That's not a way to live your life. And I have since learned that when you love someone from afar, it's like regular television, and everything looks fine; but when you really get to know them everyhting's in HD and you can see all the imperfections. And it isn't pretty.

So today I looked at his profile, and longed for the dream man that was really a nightmare.

I've seen all of Shawn's imperfections. Is love thinking someone is great despite all their faults, or just learning to live with them?

Still, if JT came to me right now and said "Drop everything, let's be together forever." I'd say, "Sure thing."

Actually, I'd say, "Sure, but let me get my Prada shoes, and my Coach scarf, my Armani watch....."

But that's another silly fantasy.

Old habits die hard. JT's one. Is Shawn one?

*name has been altered to protect the innocent

How do you expect me....

To live alone with just me?

....It's so hard for me breathe.

Been playing that song on repeat ever since I left Shawn's this weekend. I mean, like obsessively. It feels like the only way to express how I feel right now, but I will attempt to on here.

I asked Shawn to move to Cincinnati. Not a hypothetical, not a joke: for real. Whether or not he took it that way, I don't know.

Why would I do something so completely bonkers?

Well, I said it was because I would have a roommate so I would't have to worry about finding one, and Shawn would keep me safe, and I know he would pay the rent, and he'd be great during the moving process for carrying stuff....blah, blah, blah...

I can't help wondering if the truth is I don't want to live without him?

I know I CAN, but what if I don't want to? What if this is it?

It's all waaay to heavy for me. Shawn can't be the one right? He's not well-read, artsy, stylish, or anything like I imagined "the one" being. I don't know if I even believe in "the one", but he doesn't even meet any of my criteria! He's a REPUBLICAN who HUNTS and drives a TRUCK....and I love him. I don't know how I love him, but I've never doubted that I do. That's not in question. There are a million other questions, questions I can't, WON'T ask....

This is bad. I don't want this. I don't want to have to miss anything when I move, or regret anything, and I am NOT giving up my dream, not for ANYTHING, and especially not to move to Pittsburg, KS like Shawn suggested.

But, the truth is, Shawn wouldn't want me to. And I don't know why I expect him to give up everything when I won't. He'd leave his best friends, his job, his dog...but, really, he won't. I know in my heart he won't move. And then I'll live in Cincinnati 15 megabus hours (I measure long distances by how long it takes to get there on the cheapest bus) away, and that will be it. Sure, we'll talk sometimes, and maybe visit on holidays, but the saga that is Shawn and Tricia will be over. Really over. I knew it would happen, I guess I just didn't expect it to make me so damn sad.

We were all hanging out at his best friend's house and drinking a delicious New Orleans drink called a hurricane and getting plenty drunk when his friend blurted out: "What are you two doing? C'mon, you're perfect for each other, I don't see what the problem is!" He'd called us out, and all we could do was mumble excuses awkwardly.

This isn't my life. It can't be my life. Why then, does it feel sometimes like I'm it fighting for no reason? This weekend wasn't even romantic or anything, we didn't even DO anything. But he just makes me feel so safe, and special, and pretty...and I guess I'm old enough now to know that's hard to find. It feels like I've just been in denial all this time.

What am I saying?! I can't settle down! I can't get....gasp....married...

But it's not about that. I'm not rushing into anything. But if he moved with me, I'd give it a shot, really give it a shot, but I'm too chicken to tell him that, and I'm so afraid to put myself out there. I know he'll just let me down, because I've always seen more in him than he can see in himself. My heart will break, and I'm just a big, fat, sissy who's afraid to break her heart. He was my first hearbreak. I don't know if I can handle him being my last. When it comes down to it I'm afraid of love, and all that comes with it.

And if it did work out...

What would I blog about then? This is a dating blog, not a "happily ever after" blog. And I'm just not a fairytale kind of girl. It doesn't turn out that the right one was there all along. That's not how this story ends.

So, I'm just going to enjoy my time with him. No more holding back, just enjoy it. Whatever happens, happens. What could possibly go wrong besides everything?

This feeling will pass, I'm sure.

"Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you're gonna be without me?
If you ain't here I just can't breathe
No air
No air"

The Small-Town, KS Slump

I am back in my hometown and bored outta my mind.

You see, in Emporia I had a new guy every week or so. Mind you, these encounters did not lead to any great relationships, and the guys usually sucked (because I heart guys that suck), but it kept my life interesting.

Here in Small-Town, KS there is a beautiful lake just a few blocks from my house where I go walking, ther is a beautiful countryside view out my bedroom window, and there is absolutley NO social life.

However, this Fourth of July weekend also happened to be the All School Reunion for my HS and so people I haven't seen for years came from all around.

Including Shawn.

We spent the whole weekend together, he even went to the Alumni Dinner with me because I was performing a song with my Step-Dale (my nickname for my Step Dad, Dale). Shawn was a great date, even though we can't seem to spend any length of time together without bickering like an old married couple.

Out and about we ran into one of Shawn's best buddies who he used to live with back when we were dating. At one point in the night he pulled me aside, "What have you done to him this weekend?"

Totally confused by the question I said, "What are you talking about?"

"I heard you were moving out of state." Was his reply.

"Yep, in September." My face lit up as it has been latley, whenever I talk about my upcoming grad school adventure.

"Oh, that's what you did to him." Was all he said.

It was like taking a bullet. I guess I didn't think Shawn really cared, or at least he didn't seem to. I was always so blind. Moments that night had felt like old times, and I had looked at him the way I saw him 6 years ago when he was my world. It felt really nice...but the kind of really nice that's like starting to feel warm again just as you succumb to hypothermia. I can't succumb, right?

But the most important man I saw this weekend, who is, and always will be one of the most important men in my life, was Bo.

We just laughed and laughed, and put our hearts on our cynical, designer sleeves.

Bo, the male, gay, asian equivalent of my mother. The guy who sees the good in me when even I haven't found it yet.

We were talking about when we first met. He asked me to tell my side of the story to see if it was the same as his.

My side was thus:

We were in choir together and you were being a total snob, using your big vocabularly and trying to make me feel stupid, basically using your smarts as a defense mechanism, when I finally said, "Bowen (his full name), I know you're used to being the smartest person around, but I know what all those words mean, and you're not making any sense." Oh, Snap!

Then he told me his side of the story:

All he said was, "I can't remember a time without you in my life."

I almost cried, but all I said was, "You bitch!" And we both burst into a fit of laughter.

Sometimes the best dates aren't romantic at all. And as I watched my best girlfriend from HS stumbling around the bar because she had talked her mom into watching the baby, and as I sang "Don't Stop Believing" at the top of my lungs with her uncle Corey, and as I caught up with people I hadn't seen in years, I realized that sometimes the best dates are old friends. And that's what Shawn is too, an old friend.