How do you expect me....

To live alone with just me?

....It's so hard for me breathe.

Been playing that song on repeat ever since I left Shawn's this weekend. I mean, like obsessively. It feels like the only way to express how I feel right now, but I will attempt to on here.

I asked Shawn to move to Cincinnati. Not a hypothetical, not a joke: for real. Whether or not he took it that way, I don't know.

Why would I do something so completely bonkers?

Well, I said it was because I would have a roommate so I would't have to worry about finding one, and Shawn would keep me safe, and I know he would pay the rent, and he'd be great during the moving process for carrying stuff....blah, blah, blah...

I can't help wondering if the truth is I don't want to live without him?

I know I CAN, but what if I don't want to? What if this is it?

It's all waaay to heavy for me. Shawn can't be the one right? He's not well-read, artsy, stylish, or anything like I imagined "the one" being. I don't know if I even believe in "the one", but he doesn't even meet any of my criteria! He's a REPUBLICAN who HUNTS and drives a TRUCK....and I love him. I don't know how I love him, but I've never doubted that I do. That's not in question. There are a million other questions, questions I can't, WON'T ask....

This is bad. I don't want this. I don't want to have to miss anything when I move, or regret anything, and I am NOT giving up my dream, not for ANYTHING, and especially not to move to Pittsburg, KS like Shawn suggested.

But, the truth is, Shawn wouldn't want me to. And I don't know why I expect him to give up everything when I won't. He'd leave his best friends, his job, his dog...but, really, he won't. I know in my heart he won't move. And then I'll live in Cincinnati 15 megabus hours (I measure long distances by how long it takes to get there on the cheapest bus) away, and that will be it. Sure, we'll talk sometimes, and maybe visit on holidays, but the saga that is Shawn and Tricia will be over. Really over. I knew it would happen, I guess I just didn't expect it to make me so damn sad.

We were all hanging out at his best friend's house and drinking a delicious New Orleans drink called a hurricane and getting plenty drunk when his friend blurted out: "What are you two doing? C'mon, you're perfect for each other, I don't see what the problem is!" He'd called us out, and all we could do was mumble excuses awkwardly.

This isn't my life. It can't be my life. Why then, does it feel sometimes like I'm it fighting for no reason? This weekend wasn't even romantic or anything, we didn't even DO anything. But he just makes me feel so safe, and special, and pretty...and I guess I'm old enough now to know that's hard to find. It feels like I've just been in denial all this time.

What am I saying?! I can't settle down! I can't get....gasp....married...

But it's not about that. I'm not rushing into anything. But if he moved with me, I'd give it a shot, really give it a shot, but I'm too chicken to tell him that, and I'm so afraid to put myself out there. I know he'll just let me down, because I've always seen more in him than he can see in himself. My heart will break, and I'm just a big, fat, sissy who's afraid to break her heart. He was my first hearbreak. I don't know if I can handle him being my last. When it comes down to it I'm afraid of love, and all that comes with it.

And if it did work out...

What would I blog about then? This is a dating blog, not a "happily ever after" blog. And I'm just not a fairytale kind of girl. It doesn't turn out that the right one was there all along. That's not how this story ends.

So, I'm just going to enjoy my time with him. No more holding back, just enjoy it. Whatever happens, happens. What could possibly go wrong besides everything?

This feeling will pass, I'm sure.

"Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you're gonna be without me?
If you ain't here I just can't breathe
No air
No air"