JT*

So, since I've been thinking I might be in love, or at least that I might be ready to take a chance on love, I decided to test myself....

I went to JT's facebook page. You know JT, if you know me, you've at least HEARD about him.

We met at one of my first ever ZOIKS shows (I deleted myself from the ZOIKS Official Members Only FB page yesterday, and it made me kinda sad). The one at the bar where I accidentally flashed my boobs pretending to be a honry 13 year-old. I also went around randomly humping the audience. One of my best friends, Essay, was standing next to him in the crowd and he said, "Now, that girl. That girl is funny." Essay told me about it later, and I was in LOVE (like I've said before, most guys don't appreciate a funny girl).

We saw each other again at New Years. My first New Years celebration in Emporia. I kissed EVERYONE that night, and I....mean....EV-ER-Y-ONE. I made out with JT. I was in LOVE.

I started writing a musical about him (one no one should EVER read). I invented these elaborate fantasies of our life together in my head. There is the famous one about us walking our golden retrievers and the leashes get tangled up and we fall down and laugh really, really hard. It was great. I was in LOVE.

Had I spoken even a script's page worth of words to him? No. But, it didn't matter, I was in LOVE.

And then my last summer theater rolled around. JT came to town. We FINALLY hooked up, and it was.....bad. Miserable, really. Turns out I was in love with the JT in my head, not the one who really exists. To this day, I wonder what could have been if this or that had not gone wrong...if I hadn't been so nervous I wasn't even acting like myself. I was so nervous around this guy I couldn't sleep, or eat, or BE FUNNY. I can ALWAYS be funny. That's how I get through my life, but around him I was just this slobbering, fumbling stupid girl. I can be very charming, and really cool....not around JT. JT was like my kryptonite. I once said that if he asked me to quit reading Vogue my response would be "What's Vogue?"

That's not a way to live your life. And I have since learned that when you love someone from afar, it's like regular television, and everything looks fine; but when you really get to know them everyhting's in HD and you can see all the imperfections. And it isn't pretty.

So today I looked at his profile, and longed for the dream man that was really a nightmare.

I've seen all of Shawn's imperfections. Is love thinking someone is great despite all their faults, or just learning to live with them?

Still, if JT came to me right now and said "Drop everything, let's be together forever." I'd say, "Sure thing."

Actually, I'd say, "Sure, but let me get my Prada shoes, and my Coach scarf, my Armani watch....."

But that's another silly fantasy.

Old habits die hard. JT's one. Is Shawn one?

*name has been altered to protect the innocent