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My younger cousin got married this weekend. It was a lovely ceremony but I was left feeling a bit odd. I'm not sure if I believe in love, let alone marriage, but having a younger relative get married is still a bit disconcerting. However, it got me thinking about weddings and all that comes with them. I'm not one of those girls that grew up dreaming about her fairytale wedding. I'm not even sold on the idea of ever getting married, but once I got to thinking about it, I realized that if I ever did somehow get convinced to do it there are some key things I would definitely NOT want at my wedding/reception:
1. I don't think I really want a ceremony at all. Just a big, ridiculous party. Churches and vows just aren't my thing, and if I'm really in love, it won't matter if everyone sees the actual moment or not, in fact, I'd prefer for it to be just us for that part. Maybe it's a bit of my romantic side coming out, or maybe it's because ceremonies are dreadfully boring to sit through....
2. No kids. You see, I want a big, ridiculous ADULT party with, cocktails, dancing, cussing, and laughing. Maybe it's rude, but if you're having a formal event with drinks nothing ruins it more than rugrats running amuck. I know you love your kids, and it's not that I don't love your kids, but get a babysitter for one night so we don't have to worry about chocolate stains on our couture and can actually have fun (remember FUN parents?).
3. A Unity Candle. I think they're super lame. (that also means unity sand, rocks, water, etc.)
4. Bad Music. Why is it that weddings are the only time I have to suffer through songs like "The Macerena" and "The Chicken Dance"? C'mon people, seriously?
5. Corinthians or any other Bible-related rhetoric. I've never considered myself a Christian. I am spiritual, not religious. I'd be open-minded to a reading from religious texts around the world concerning love, but even that's pushing it.
6. Bouquet Toss/Garter Throw. Why don't I just slap a big fat "S" for "Single" on my guests' foreheads? I refuse to subject myself to such misery, I would never do it to people I consider loved ones.
7. Bridesmaids. It's not that I don't have some very special girlfriends who I'd like to honor, but isn't that what the bachelorette party is all about? I'd much rather spend that money on getting all my best friends (which consist of a lot of guys, actually) together in one spot and having a night we'll never forget. Plus, it will save me a lot of unnecessary drama. (upside for guests: no gross matching outfits you'll never wear again, you just get to be your fabulous self!)
While it may seem like I'm a Negative Nancy when it comes to holy matrimony, there are a few wedding things that I am not opposed to:
1. A dress. I don't think the dress has to be white, and I'm definitely not wearing some ridiculous Cinderella-wanna-be style, but I've always been pro expensive gowns, so you know that I will be decked out on that special day.
2. Booze/Food. Nothing brings old friends and new together like breaking bread and sharing drinks. Especially if it's free for them.
3. Toasts. I want TONS of them. I think instead of bridesmaids and such I will just pick the special people from the different stages of my life to give toasts. I LOVE speeches, and most of my friends and fam are hams anyway.
4. Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties. I love any reason to celebrate, and if I'm actually getting hitched I'll need a final (sort of ;) night of debuachery.
5. Dancing (yes this inculdes the first dance, and father-daughter dance, etc). You may not know this about me, but I LOVE to dance. I always have. Somewhere along the way I realized what a terrible dancer I was and got self-concious about it, but if it's my party, I'll dance if I want to!
6. Honeymoons. A widely-accepted reason for a dream vacation? Count me in!
Well now that I've analyzed what I like and dislike about this time-old tradition, I guess all that's left is to believe in love again, which is altogether harder than just planning a big party with cake. But, if somehow in this crazy world someone can do that for me (or I can do it for myself, for all you independent ladies out there), there just may be a tasteful invitation in your mailbox to a rockin' black-tie party for those 18 and up. Keep your eyes peeled (but don't hold your breath).
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Shawn
Shawn came to town last weekend. If you know me, you've probably heard of Shawn before. He was my first real kiss (the first time we dated), my first time (the second time we dated), and my first love (always). Now THAT'S a pretty intense tri-fecta of relationship firsts, and it grants him a very special place in my heart.
Shawn and I literally grew up together. He is a friend of the family, not just me. And, and here's the kicker, Shawn is the ONLY, and I mean ONLY ex in my BIG 3 (ya know how in sports you have the Big 12? Well I have the Big 3, the 3 loves from the 3 different points in my life) who I am still friends with and who is even still speaking to me when not forced (the one I almost got engaged to? has refused to talk to me for years). In fact, I know I can call Shawn at 2 am and he will drive 3 hours from Pittsburg if I need him to.
So Shawn came to town on a whim and we had the best non-date date I'd had in a while. First, I took him shopping and picked out a couple shirts for him to wear, then I picked him out a new cologne (Polo Black...delicious), after that we went out to eat at one of Emporia's many excellent Mexican eateries (he paid, we even ordered drinks!), and we ended the night by going out to the bar where we were met by Katie and my wonderful married friends Marcus and Julie.
I'm standing at the bar minding my own business when I turn and there he is: Glass Guy.
Is it weird that my first thought was: "I wish I had fixed my hair" ?
I tried to be aloof but my other friend standing next to him exclaims "TRICIA!" and gives me a giant hug before proceeding into a long conversation where we caught up on each other's lives, all the while GG is standing there awkwardly.
Shawn comes up and gives me my drink and then goes to sit with my friends. I think "that was really cool of him, I'm talking to two guys (two really good-looking guys, mind you) and he's not acting all possesive or anything. Maybe, just maybe, this is the beginning of a beautiful, genuine, no-professions-of -love, friendship."
Finally I turn to Glass Guy. I go to shake his hand but he hugs me instead. Oh no.
Then we start talking.
Then my other friend walks off.
Then we start to get in that wonderfully horrible bubble we get into.
Then Marcus comes over.
*POP*
Whew, what a relief.
Marcus puts his arm around me and says I'm wanted across the bar, and that Julie keeps saying something about "Class Guy."
I blush so hard my face is on fire. "I don't know what you're talking about..."
Marcus, "Was he in your class or something? I don't know what CLASS guy means..."
GG, "Glass guy?"
At this point I am shoving him away, completely mortified. "I'll tell you about it later...I'll be over there in a second!"
Marcus gives me a big, fat kiss on the cheek before he goes. Marcus is my bro, but GG doesn't know that, and by the look on his face there's no use explaining.
"I guess you're wanted..."
I stand there awkwardly. "Yeah..."
At this point I realize that every time GG has seen me since our final encounter I have been with a different dude. He probably thinks I played him. He thinks I played him. He disresepected me and countless other women I'm sure, and I'm the one who hurt his pride. The whole thing got so messed up and somehow I came out as the player (even though he hooked up with me and one of my friends in the span of 3 days. not. cool.). I felt like it was a little victory for jilted women everywhere, but knowing how much I really kinda liked him it was still a loss for me. I wanted to tell him everything that happened, how it was all a big misunderstanding, but all I said was, "Maybe I'll see you around. Take care."
It was the right thing to do. I deserve better than that.
I spent the rest of the night (minus some Katie drama) laughing with my freinds. It was fantastic.
So, you might be wondering why I'm not with Shawn.
That answer is so complicated I can't even begin to explain it fully. Sometimes I wonder myself if I didn't "get it right the first time." I know that I could marry Shawn and it would be easy and that would be my life, but I also know that I have to take the road less traveled. I can't stop now. I can't settle for a life without any surprises. Shawn and I are just so different. As much as we grew up together we have just as much grown apart.
I'm home for the weekend. I hung out with Shawn at the local saloon last night. We drank beer with another guy from high school and reminisced and talked football. Then Shawn started going on and on about how I'm the only girl he can never say "no" to. Every time Shawn gets drunk (which is often) he goes on a rant similar to this. As I left the bar I knew that what I liked about Shawn most is that he feels like home, but as they say, you can't go home again. I don't fit into that life anyway. Never have.
Shawn and I literally grew up together. He is a friend of the family, not just me. And, and here's the kicker, Shawn is the ONLY, and I mean ONLY ex in my BIG 3 (ya know how in sports you have the Big 12? Well I have the Big 3, the 3 loves from the 3 different points in my life) who I am still friends with and who is even still speaking to me when not forced (the one I almost got engaged to? has refused to talk to me for years). In fact, I know I can call Shawn at 2 am and he will drive 3 hours from Pittsburg if I need him to.
So Shawn came to town on a whim and we had the best non-date date I'd had in a while. First, I took him shopping and picked out a couple shirts for him to wear, then I picked him out a new cologne (Polo Black...delicious), after that we went out to eat at one of Emporia's many excellent Mexican eateries (he paid, we even ordered drinks!), and we ended the night by going out to the bar where we were met by Katie and my wonderful married friends Marcus and Julie.
I'm standing at the bar minding my own business when I turn and there he is: Glass Guy.
Is it weird that my first thought was: "I wish I had fixed my hair" ?
I tried to be aloof but my other friend standing next to him exclaims "TRICIA!" and gives me a giant hug before proceeding into a long conversation where we caught up on each other's lives, all the while GG is standing there awkwardly.
Shawn comes up and gives me my drink and then goes to sit with my friends. I think "that was really cool of him, I'm talking to two guys (two really good-looking guys, mind you) and he's not acting all possesive or anything. Maybe, just maybe, this is the beginning of a beautiful, genuine, no-professions-of -love, friendship."
Finally I turn to Glass Guy. I go to shake his hand but he hugs me instead. Oh no.
Then we start talking.
Then my other friend walks off.
Then we start to get in that wonderfully horrible bubble we get into.
Then Marcus comes over.
*POP*
Whew, what a relief.
Marcus puts his arm around me and says I'm wanted across the bar, and that Julie keeps saying something about "Class Guy."
I blush so hard my face is on fire. "I don't know what you're talking about..."
Marcus, "Was he in your class or something? I don't know what CLASS guy means..."
GG, "Glass guy?"
At this point I am shoving him away, completely mortified. "I'll tell you about it later...I'll be over there in a second!"
Marcus gives me a big, fat kiss on the cheek before he goes. Marcus is my bro, but GG doesn't know that, and by the look on his face there's no use explaining.
"I guess you're wanted..."
I stand there awkwardly. "Yeah..."
At this point I realize that every time GG has seen me since our final encounter I have been with a different dude. He probably thinks I played him. He thinks I played him. He disresepected me and countless other women I'm sure, and I'm the one who hurt his pride. The whole thing got so messed up and somehow I came out as the player (even though he hooked up with me and one of my friends in the span of 3 days. not. cool.). I felt like it was a little victory for jilted women everywhere, but knowing how much I really kinda liked him it was still a loss for me. I wanted to tell him everything that happened, how it was all a big misunderstanding, but all I said was, "Maybe I'll see you around. Take care."
It was the right thing to do. I deserve better than that.
I spent the rest of the night (minus some Katie drama) laughing with my freinds. It was fantastic.
So, you might be wondering why I'm not with Shawn.
That answer is so complicated I can't even begin to explain it fully. Sometimes I wonder myself if I didn't "get it right the first time." I know that I could marry Shawn and it would be easy and that would be my life, but I also know that I have to take the road less traveled. I can't stop now. I can't settle for a life without any surprises. Shawn and I are just so different. As much as we grew up together we have just as much grown apart.
I'm home for the weekend. I hung out with Shawn at the local saloon last night. We drank beer with another guy from high school and reminisced and talked football. Then Shawn started going on and on about how I'm the only girl he can never say "no" to. Every time Shawn gets drunk (which is often) he goes on a rant similar to this. As I left the bar I knew that what I liked about Shawn most is that he feels like home, but as they say, you can't go home again. I don't fit into that life anyway. Never have.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Old and New
It's graduation weekend. My Roomie is graduating....
Which got me thinking, Roomie and I have to be the longest, healthiest relationship I've ever been in that didn't involve blood relation. We LIVED together for 3 years, and now we're putting all our things in boxes. Packing it all away. We've kinda been doing that with our friendship, too: packing it up, so it won't hurt so much. It's hard to imagine my life without Roomie in it, we were like a package deal, a two for one....but even twinkies come in single packages now. What is the world coming to?
Joel leaves on Monday. I'm helping put together a little farewell dinner for him. I made two of my famous cheesecake pies and decorated them with blueberries and strawberries. Very Americana, or as Joel would say, "USA! USA! USA!"
And while some friends are leaving, I'm reconnecting with others. Eric Luchen came in town and it was like cold water to the face (in a good way). I'd forgotten what it was like to be around someone who doesn't bullshit. Someone who truly says what is on their mind (maybe to a fault). You always know where you stand with people like that, and I consider my little jew friend to be a very dear friend indeed.
Also, my brotha from anotha motha Marcus and his wonderful red-headed wife Julie came to Emporia for a night of drinking and debauchery. It was super fun. They brought a friend with them who was a combat medic and had two purple hearts. He was funny, and cute, and sharp, until he got waaaay too drunk and lost some of that charm. I thought he was super cool, but when he tried to invite himself to stay the night with me....not cool. Oh well, it was a night full of laughs, and drinks, and greasy food from a truck stop diner....who could ask for more?
And with all the old must come some new.
The MVP and I are still talking. We kissed, once. It was nice, but my mind was somewhere else and it hasn't happened since....He took me to a BBQ yesterday at a friend's house. It was a good time, but I was the ONLY white person there. I stuck out like a really pale sore thumb. I was wearing a pale yellow cardigan over a bright blue tank top from the Gap and had a big flower necklace my roomie got in Paris on. I couldn't have looked more white-bread if I had planned it. Oh, and did I mention my shoes were Banana Republic and had bows on them? Yeah. Half-way through the night MVP pointed out that my regular handshake I do in greeting someone was inappropriate. That made perfect sense as to why all of the handshakes seemed awkward. "Oh dear. I've been shaking their hands normally all night! That's just how I say hello!" He smiled, amused at my faux pas, and patted me on the shoulder. "I know. It's okay." It was okay, but it was weird. The food was amazing. We had BBQ and homemeade mac and cheese, and collard greens....mmmmmm....But I definitely felt out of my element. You don't really notice the cultural differences until you're emmersed in them.
MVP came to the ZOIKS show. My LAST improv comedy show....maybe ever....It was a good show, I felt really on, but it lacked the sentiment I'd always thought it'd have. Up until that point the MVP had only seen me out and about looking cute and acting flirty. When doing improv I'm just another one of the guys, looking ugly and acting goofy. At first I thought he seemed turned off by this, but at the BBQ he kept bragging to people about how funny I was. It was sweet.
Here's the issue: I think that some of the qualities I like in a guy are qualities that usually mean a guy isn't interested in you. (Luchen calls this the Tricia Factor). For instance, I can go 3 days easily without speaking to my significant other. It doesn't mean I'm mad, or anything is wrong, I just have other stuff to do. To me, it's not a big deal. On that same note, I LIKE it when a guy doesn't call me or text me all the time, or when we don't see each other that often. I just don't like to be bothered. When I want to see you, I will arrange to see you, it's as simple as that. I've read "He's Just NOT That Into You," I know that when a guy doesn't call it means it's a no-go, but I LIKE it when someone doesn't call. Therefore, the equation is as such:
ME + GUY - INTEREST = ATTRACTION
See the problem here?
MVP calls, and shows me attention, tells me I'm pretty, compliments my style, shows me off to his friends....all the things I SHOULD want from a guy, but it just tends to make me pull back.
It's something I need to work on.
Out with the old, bad habits. In with the new.
Which got me thinking, Roomie and I have to be the longest, healthiest relationship I've ever been in that didn't involve blood relation. We LIVED together for 3 years, and now we're putting all our things in boxes. Packing it all away. We've kinda been doing that with our friendship, too: packing it up, so it won't hurt so much. It's hard to imagine my life without Roomie in it, we were like a package deal, a two for one....but even twinkies come in single packages now. What is the world coming to?
Joel leaves on Monday. I'm helping put together a little farewell dinner for him. I made two of my famous cheesecake pies and decorated them with blueberries and strawberries. Very Americana, or as Joel would say, "USA! USA! USA!"
And while some friends are leaving, I'm reconnecting with others. Eric Luchen came in town and it was like cold water to the face (in a good way). I'd forgotten what it was like to be around someone who doesn't bullshit. Someone who truly says what is on their mind (maybe to a fault). You always know where you stand with people like that, and I consider my little jew friend to be a very dear friend indeed.
Also, my brotha from anotha motha Marcus and his wonderful red-headed wife Julie came to Emporia for a night of drinking and debauchery. It was super fun. They brought a friend with them who was a combat medic and had two purple hearts. He was funny, and cute, and sharp, until he got waaaay too drunk and lost some of that charm. I thought he was super cool, but when he tried to invite himself to stay the night with me....not cool. Oh well, it was a night full of laughs, and drinks, and greasy food from a truck stop diner....who could ask for more?
And with all the old must come some new.
The MVP and I are still talking. We kissed, once. It was nice, but my mind was somewhere else and it hasn't happened since....He took me to a BBQ yesterday at a friend's house. It was a good time, but I was the ONLY white person there. I stuck out like a really pale sore thumb. I was wearing a pale yellow cardigan over a bright blue tank top from the Gap and had a big flower necklace my roomie got in Paris on. I couldn't have looked more white-bread if I had planned it. Oh, and did I mention my shoes were Banana Republic and had bows on them? Yeah. Half-way through the night MVP pointed out that my regular handshake I do in greeting someone was inappropriate. That made perfect sense as to why all of the handshakes seemed awkward. "Oh dear. I've been shaking their hands normally all night! That's just how I say hello!" He smiled, amused at my faux pas, and patted me on the shoulder. "I know. It's okay." It was okay, but it was weird. The food was amazing. We had BBQ and homemeade mac and cheese, and collard greens....mmmmmm....But I definitely felt out of my element. You don't really notice the cultural differences until you're emmersed in them.
MVP came to the ZOIKS show. My LAST improv comedy show....maybe ever....It was a good show, I felt really on, but it lacked the sentiment I'd always thought it'd have. Up until that point the MVP had only seen me out and about looking cute and acting flirty. When doing improv I'm just another one of the guys, looking ugly and acting goofy. At first I thought he seemed turned off by this, but at the BBQ he kept bragging to people about how funny I was. It was sweet.
Here's the issue: I think that some of the qualities I like in a guy are qualities that usually mean a guy isn't interested in you. (Luchen calls this the Tricia Factor). For instance, I can go 3 days easily without speaking to my significant other. It doesn't mean I'm mad, or anything is wrong, I just have other stuff to do. To me, it's not a big deal. On that same note, I LIKE it when a guy doesn't call me or text me all the time, or when we don't see each other that often. I just don't like to be bothered. When I want to see you, I will arrange to see you, it's as simple as that. I've read "He's Just NOT That Into You," I know that when a guy doesn't call it means it's a no-go, but I LIKE it when someone doesn't call. Therefore, the equation is as such:
ME + GUY - INTEREST = ATTRACTION
See the problem here?
MVP calls, and shows me attention, tells me I'm pretty, compliments my style, shows me off to his friends....all the things I SHOULD want from a guy, but it just tends to make me pull back.
It's something I need to work on.
Out with the old, bad habits. In with the new.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Mulligan
A Mulligan, by definition, is a golf termed used for a re-do. Example: You shot poorly teeing off so you take a Mulligan and tee off again. A do-over.
I'm taking a Mulligan.
I made a choice. I chose Glass Guy.
This caused me a multitude of problems including getting bashed by one of my friends. It sucked. I cried. All over a stupid guy. Why do smart, amiable, funny women all of a sudden become vicious over men? I've been guilty of it before, but I guess I just don't get that worked up about those kind of things anymore because I don't see the point.
Especially since I realize now I made the wrong choice anyway.
I should always stick with my gut reaction of people. When I first met Glass Guy I thought he was a bit of a snot, and for some reason I changed this opinion (probably his sudden interest in me triggered it). But nope, I was right the first time.
He's just so....high maintenance. I have to do all the work to make up for his extreme awkwardness and I just don't have the patience for it. Why work that hard when I have a nice, smart, sweet guy who's actually unabashedly interested in me? No smoke and mirrors...or smoke and glass, in this case (glass humor!), with the MVP. All my friends love him. EVERYBODY seems to love him. So why, you might be asking, didn't I pick him in the first place?
Well, the answer is a 3-parter.
1. I like guys that suck (or blow. More glass humor!). If you don't suck, I will ditch you for a guy that does. Given the choice between a guy who sucks and a guy who doesn't suck I will pick the guy who sucks every time. Maybe it's because of my commitment phobia. Maybe it's because not knowing whether or not they really give a damn about me makes my stomach flip. Maybe it's because I'm an idiot....
2. The MVP is black, and my Mom kinda doesn't approve. I know, it 2010 and things like that shouldn't matter and color doesn't matter to me but my Mom's approval does...So even though the MVP is much nicer to me and seems more interested, I still favored Glass Guy. Glass Guy drives a truck, wears cowboy boots, listens to old country music (my step-dad is a country musician who covers the classics), and works at the local Farm & Ranch supply. He'd fit right in in Small Town, Kansas where I'm from. The thing is: I don't fit in there.
3. Glass Guy is cuter and we have more in common. He fascinates me. I feel like we "look right" together (aka similar style). Maybe a bit shallow, but true.
So, now I'm starting over and hopefully making the right decision.
Everybody makes mistakes, but I will try and correct mine.
Why then, does getting it right feel so wrong?
Maybe because I've never done it before.....
I'm taking a Mulligan.
I made a choice. I chose Glass Guy.
This caused me a multitude of problems including getting bashed by one of my friends. It sucked. I cried. All over a stupid guy. Why do smart, amiable, funny women all of a sudden become vicious over men? I've been guilty of it before, but I guess I just don't get that worked up about those kind of things anymore because I don't see the point.
Especially since I realize now I made the wrong choice anyway.
I should always stick with my gut reaction of people. When I first met Glass Guy I thought he was a bit of a snot, and for some reason I changed this opinion (probably his sudden interest in me triggered it). But nope, I was right the first time.
He's just so....high maintenance. I have to do all the work to make up for his extreme awkwardness and I just don't have the patience for it. Why work that hard when I have a nice, smart, sweet guy who's actually unabashedly interested in me? No smoke and mirrors...or smoke and glass, in this case (glass humor!), with the MVP. All my friends love him. EVERYBODY seems to love him. So why, you might be asking, didn't I pick him in the first place?
Well, the answer is a 3-parter.
1. I like guys that suck (or blow. More glass humor!). If you don't suck, I will ditch you for a guy that does. Given the choice between a guy who sucks and a guy who doesn't suck I will pick the guy who sucks every time. Maybe it's because of my commitment phobia. Maybe it's because not knowing whether or not they really give a damn about me makes my stomach flip. Maybe it's because I'm an idiot....
2. The MVP is black, and my Mom kinda doesn't approve. I know, it 2010 and things like that shouldn't matter and color doesn't matter to me but my Mom's approval does...So even though the MVP is much nicer to me and seems more interested, I still favored Glass Guy. Glass Guy drives a truck, wears cowboy boots, listens to old country music (my step-dad is a country musician who covers the classics), and works at the local Farm & Ranch supply. He'd fit right in in Small Town, Kansas where I'm from. The thing is: I don't fit in there.
3. Glass Guy is cuter and we have more in common. He fascinates me. I feel like we "look right" together (aka similar style). Maybe a bit shallow, but true.
So, now I'm starting over and hopefully making the right decision.
Everybody makes mistakes, but I will try and correct mine.
Why then, does getting it right feel so wrong?
Maybe because I've never done it before.....
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