Shawn

Shawn came to town last weekend. If you know me, you've probably heard of Shawn before. He was my first real kiss (the first time we dated), my first time (the second time we dated), and my first love (always). Now THAT'S a pretty intense tri-fecta of relationship firsts, and it grants him a very special place in my heart.

Shawn and I literally grew up together. He is a friend of the family, not just me. And, and here's the kicker, Shawn is the ONLY, and I mean ONLY ex in my BIG 3 (ya know how in sports you have the Big 12? Well I have the Big 3, the 3 loves from the 3 different points in my life) who I am still friends with and who is even still speaking to me when not forced (the one I almost got engaged to? has refused to talk to me for years). In fact, I know I can call Shawn at 2 am and he will drive 3 hours from Pittsburg if I need him to.

So Shawn came to town on a whim and we had the best non-date date I'd had in a while. First, I took him shopping and picked out a couple shirts for him to wear, then I picked him out a new cologne (Polo Black...delicious), after that we went out to eat at one of Emporia's many excellent Mexican eateries (he paid, we even ordered drinks!), and we ended the night by going out to the bar where we were met by Katie and my wonderful married friends Marcus and Julie.

I'm standing at the bar minding my own business when I turn and there he is: Glass Guy.

Is it weird that my first thought was: "I wish I had fixed my hair" ?

I tried to be aloof but my other friend standing next to him exclaims "TRICIA!" and gives me a giant hug before proceeding into a long conversation where we caught up on each other's lives, all the while GG is standing there awkwardly.

Shawn comes up and gives me my drink and then goes to sit with my friends. I think "that was really cool of him, I'm talking to two guys (two really good-looking guys, mind you) and he's not acting all possesive or anything. Maybe, just maybe, this is the beginning of a beautiful, genuine, no-professions-of -love, friendship."

Finally I turn to Glass Guy. I go to shake his hand but he hugs me instead. Oh no.
Then we start talking.
Then my other friend walks off.
Then we start to get in that wonderfully horrible bubble we get into.
Then Marcus comes over.

*POP*

Whew, what a relief.

Marcus puts his arm around me and says I'm wanted across the bar, and that Julie keeps saying something about "Class Guy."

I blush so hard my face is on fire. "I don't know what you're talking about..."

Marcus, "Was he in your class or something? I don't know what CLASS guy means..."

GG, "Glass guy?"

At this point I am shoving him away, completely mortified. "I'll tell you about it later...I'll be over there in a second!"

Marcus gives me a big, fat kiss on the cheek before he goes. Marcus is my bro, but GG doesn't know that, and by the look on his face there's no use explaining.

"I guess you're wanted..."

I stand there awkwardly. "Yeah..."

At this point I realize that every time GG has seen me since our final encounter I have been with a different dude. He probably thinks I played him. He thinks I played him. He disresepected me and countless other women I'm sure, and I'm the one who hurt his pride. The whole thing got so messed up and somehow I came out as the player (even though he hooked up with me and one of my friends in the span of 3 days. not. cool.). I felt like it was a little victory for jilted women everywhere, but knowing how much I really kinda liked him it was still a loss for me. I wanted to tell him everything that happened, how it was all a big misunderstanding, but all I said was, "Maybe I'll see you around. Take care."

It was the right thing to do. I deserve better than that.

I spent the rest of the night (minus some Katie drama) laughing with my freinds. It was fantastic.

So, you might be wondering why I'm not with Shawn.

That answer is so complicated I can't even begin to explain it fully. Sometimes I wonder myself if I didn't "get it right the first time." I know that I could marry Shawn and it would be easy and that would be my life, but I also know that I have to take the road less traveled. I can't stop now. I can't settle for a life without any surprises. Shawn and I are just so different. As much as we grew up together we have just as much grown apart.

I'm home for the weekend. I hung out with Shawn at the local saloon last night. We drank beer with another guy from high school and reminisced and talked football. Then Shawn started going on and on about how I'm the only girl he can never say "no" to. Every time Shawn gets drunk (which is often) he goes on a rant similar to this. As I left the bar I knew that what I liked about Shawn most is that he feels like home, but as they say, you can't go home again. I don't fit into that life anyway. Never have.