"Half of my heart..."

"Is a shotgun wedding
To a bride with a paper ring..."
--John Mayer

I promised myself when I started this that I wouldn't hold anything back. That has gotten increasingly difficult as my readers seem to grow in numbers without my knowledge and people I'm writing about tend to not like to be mentioned, but I've perservered. I was just telling little stories. Funny tidbits.

But now my heart's in it, and writing from my heart and my not my funnybone has never been my strong suit, at least in a public venue. Please be patient with me as I try to get past all my defenses and tell you about my current dating situation without lying to you or myself.

I went to visit Shawn again this weekend. It was great. Sword fights in Hastings, reading books and playing chess in the cafe, picking out sunglasses for his roommate, a new pair of jeans, stuffed mushrooms, jamming with an acoustic guitar on the front porch, making a 9 foot beer bong, watching Zombieland in bed, holding hands, berry weiss, a bonfire, loads of compliments, and laughing really, really hard.

I had to stop periodically and remind myself to remember these moments, they never last.

A little over a month from now, I will be gone. Shawn won't be coming with me.

Sure, he gets on my nerves. Yeah, he doesn't know how to match, or own dress shoes, he wears clothes with holes in them, he chews tobacco, he talks about football way too much (and this is coming from a girl who likes football), he's too stuck in the "glory days" of high school, he doesn't have a college degree, and we bicker like an old married couple....and I love it. I just feel like I have to see this through. I'm not going to leap into anything, but I'm going to put myself out there for the first time in a long time.

And when I leave....

IF I leave...You see, my step-dale has been hurt and unable to work and now my mom doesn't know if they can afford to send me to grad school. I've been working overtime trying to save but there's the possibility that I might have to stay here in Small Town, KS for another year to save the money to go.

But not going to grad school is not an option in my mind. This school only accepts TWO people a year, and they accepted me, and if I blow them off, who knows if I'll get in again? I'll do whatever it takes to make sure I go, but there's a feeling in my chest. A tightness. It feels like all my worst fears are coming true. OF COURSE something would happen to make it hard, things can never be easy, it seems. I haven't been able to really relax since my mom came into my room and gave the blow. I may look relaxed, but it's like walking around with "brick in your pocket" as the playwright David Lindsey-Abaire would say. Sure, you can get around, but it's always there, weighing you down.

When I think of staying I see this mundane life where I basically cook and clean for a living. Not really using my mind, not CREATING. My mom would think I was being overdramatic but that feels like dying a little bit at a time. Some people can settle, some people are like sharks and have to keep swimming to survive.

Sometimes it feels like Shawn is the only light in this tunnel.

I keep telling myself that everything will be fine.

Who knew love would be so hard? Whether it's romantic love, friendship, or the love of theatrical arts, truly loving something is the worst feeling ever worth feeling....and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

"Half of my heart
Is the part of the man
Who's never truly loved anything"
--John Mayer