All Work and No Play

Working another overnight.

Overnights are rough. It totally messes up your sleep schedule. You're tired for a couple days afterward, it just sorta lingers, like a fog over your mind. Basically, it sucks.

I'm working 60-plus hours this week. My paycheck better be sweet.

Work consumes my life, so dating has been pushed to the side. Shawn is in Chicago this weekend; I picked up a couple extra shifts.

Cincinnati is my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

I leave in less than a month.

Two weeks ago, the thought of leaving brought me to tears. Now, I've found a place, I've made a budget, I've got a plan. It's really happening. I'm going to do this for real.

How many people get to live their dreams?

Not enough, I'd say. But I do. I will.

I feel myself pulling away from Shawn. As I start packing up my things, and thinking about this new chapter, the less he seems to fit into my life. I certainly can't bring him along in a box. Now, I'm not even sure if I'd want to.

It's the same thing that happens to me everytime. I dive right in, and after a while I start to feel like I'm sinking and he is the anchor. Does everyone feel this way, or is it just me?

The good thing about being in a relationship is that it reminds me how much I like to be single.

Maybe some things never change.

It looks like I sure won't.

One of my friends got me in contact with a friend of his who lives in Cincinnati and goes to UC. He's offered to show me around. At least I'll have a guide in this unfamiliar city.

Also, he's kinda cute.

Yep, same old Tricia, different location.

I guess I wouldn't have it any other way.

"Here we go again..."

"I kinda want to be more than friends"
--Neon Trees

I went to see my Pseudo Phone Boyfriend.

It was lovely. My heart was racing and I had to pee several times throughout the day because of nerves, but the day was the stuff music videos are made of.

He took me to lunch and we sat talking long after our plates had been taken away (he paid, but that fact seems irrelevant in this situation). We drove around on these narrow Kansas highways. I took pictures of the blue sky and the open road on his fancy phone. We visited his hometown, and I saw all the places he used to hang out. When he went to drop me off we sat in the car forever not wanting to say goodbye.....

But the moment that got me was during lunch. Our food was gone so there was nothing to distract us. I was leaning on my hand, hovering over my water. PPB was fidgeting with his napkin avoiding my eyes. Then he looked up, quickly returning his gaze to the burgundy napkin, rolling, and twisiting, and folding....but first, for a second, he did a double take. He stopped and looked at me. REALLY looked at me. He exhaled just a little while holding my gaze, then held his breath. It was like he'd never seen me before. It was perfect.

That's when I realized he wasn't being rude, he was just as nervous, if not more so, as I was.

I asked him if I was disappointing in real life. To sum it up the answer was "no," and he kept saying how nice I looked.

He was more awkward and more handsome than I remembered.

His shirt was soft as I laid my head on his arm driving down a gravel road.

His eyes are so green.

I wanted to kiss him so bad. My hair got in the way, and then he went in for the mouth kiss as I was going for the cheek kiss....things got weird.

But I just gave him a passionately friendly kiss on the cheek.

I drove out of the parking lot while every impulse I had was telling me to turn around and go back.

KISS HIM!

My mind screamed.

Go back and kiss him, you idiot! This is your chance...you've been waiting for this moment for MONTHS! KISS HIM!

I stayed at the stop sign for a long time....but I turned on my blinker and kept driving.

PPB and I kept texting as I was out at the bar with Shawn later that night. It felt scandalous for some reason. I'd done nothing wrong but I hadn't seemed to do anything right either.

Shawn rubbed my back as I was moaning with a stomach ache Saturday night. He also told one of his friends I was his girlfriend. We went to dinner with his sister like it was no big thing. It's a slippery slope. Being with him is so easy.

But his eyes are hazel. More brown than green. And they've never looked at me like that.

PPBand I sang this song going 65 on the Highway. My feet propped up on his dash. Sunglasses and Kansas prarie racing past our windows. Were we both thinking the lyrics rang too true?

"Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are we waiting for?
What are we waiting for?
Say goodbye to my heart tonight"
--Neon Trees

Holy Balls

Well, you're in for a treat dear readers, because my life just got funny again!

Anyone remember my Pseudo Phone Boyfriend? Well, let me tell you a little story....

I met PPB in community college. We were both in theater. Shawn had just broken up with me right before I left for college. He had broken my heart, yet again (the first time being when I was only 14. I listened to my Toni Braxton cd on repeat). Years later Shawn said it was because he never wanted to hold me back. By that time in my life I knew he was telling the truth, and I also knew he had given me the most precious gift, the freedom to make my own way in the world. I don't know if he ever imagined I'd come back to him, but at the time I knew I would. It's funny how life takes you on exactly the path you thought it would after you've forgotten the way....

But I digress.

I went off to college with the determination to live my life and have all the experiences I'd thus far been deprived of. AKA, I drank a lot that first year. Also, I found myself for the first time being considered attractive to guys. In high school I had boyfriends sure, but one boyfriend at a time, and with some time in between; and really in my group of friends I was the "cool dude with long hair." So the prospect of MULTIPLE guys being interested in me AT ONE TIME just blew my mind. I didn't know how to handle it.

And then I met Prince Charming. He literally was Prince Charming in our production of Cinderella and I was merely a chorus member. The first time I saw him he was skateboarding around the dorm parking lot with aviators on. At night. (That's where I get my saying, "Only two types of people where sunglasses at night. Blind men and douches. Are you blind?") That was it for me. I thought he was the coolest guy I'd ever seen.

PPB was a much quieter guy. While Prince Charming demanded the limelight, PPB did more brooding in the corner. He was mysterious. I didn't "get" him. I thought he was the best looking guy I'd ever seen.

So you can see my connundrum when I had both guys in my dorm room at one time vying for my attention.

PPB just gave up and left.

I made out with Prince Charming a few, unenjoyable times, and then that was it for us. I realized what a fool I'd been. It should've been PPB all along. I snuck in the boys dorm and went to his room to try and talk to him, but he would have none of it. Soon after he got into a very serious relationship, and I thought, "Oh, he never really liked me anyway."

Flash forward to this year. I'm on FB just goofing off when PPB and I start chatting. We hadn't talked in years. He lives in another state and is in the Air Force now.

Then he asks me if I can remember a time in my life that "if it had turned out differently, my whole life would have been better?" I don't know quite how to respond...Then he says, "I think if I had stayed and Prince Charming had left that night, my whole life would be different. It would be better."

My heart skipped a beat.

We began chatting more and more. He asked for my phone number. We started texting, and finally we would talk for hours at night several times a week. When I felt sad, alone, or anxious, I would call him. When I couldn't sleep, I would call him, and he would talk to me until I fell asleep with my face in the phone. It was a dark time in my life, and he was like a little life preserver keeping me afloat.

He bought me customized chucks for Valentine's Day. He let me use his subscription to Netflix for FREE. Sometimes we would watch the same movie on Netflix and then call each other and discuss it.

Then we started talking less and less. The calls became fewer and farther between. Our pseudo romance was becoming an earnest friendship in my mind. I assumed he'd found someone better, or was just plain bored with me.

Now he's here in Kansas on leave. He called me last night. He wants to see me.

I said, "Of course!" Then I realized I'd better explain to him the situation. I told him about Shawn, and to my shock, PPB got really upset. He said he didn't want to see me.

Still oblivious, I replied, "You don't want to see me just because I'm seeing someone? But, we're friends? You don't even like me....Oh my god, do you like me?!"

"Don't make me say it...."
"I didn't realize! I thought you were interested in someone else...I thought...."
"Of course I like you. I can't believe you thought I didn't like you. I bought you shoes"
"That was months ago..." was my feeble defense.

A huge smile broke out on my face.

He doesn't know his plans for sure yet, but he wants to see me this weekend. Shawn also hasn't confirmed if he's available this weekend, but I was supposed to see him, too.

I've been wanting to see my Pseudo Phone Boyfriend for over half a year now. I don't want to pass up this opportunity to see him before he goes off to war. On the other hand, I love Shawn. We haven't talked about being exclusive but I know this would hurt him.

It's not like either one of them are going to Ohio with me.

These aren't just some random dudes, though.

I don't know what to do.

Holy Balls.

"Half of my heart..."

"Is a shotgun wedding
To a bride with a paper ring..."
--John Mayer

I promised myself when I started this that I wouldn't hold anything back. That has gotten increasingly difficult as my readers seem to grow in numbers without my knowledge and people I'm writing about tend to not like to be mentioned, but I've perservered. I was just telling little stories. Funny tidbits.

But now my heart's in it, and writing from my heart and my not my funnybone has never been my strong suit, at least in a public venue. Please be patient with me as I try to get past all my defenses and tell you about my current dating situation without lying to you or myself.

I went to visit Shawn again this weekend. It was great. Sword fights in Hastings, reading books and playing chess in the cafe, picking out sunglasses for his roommate, a new pair of jeans, stuffed mushrooms, jamming with an acoustic guitar on the front porch, making a 9 foot beer bong, watching Zombieland in bed, holding hands, berry weiss, a bonfire, loads of compliments, and laughing really, really hard.

I had to stop periodically and remind myself to remember these moments, they never last.

A little over a month from now, I will be gone. Shawn won't be coming with me.

Sure, he gets on my nerves. Yeah, he doesn't know how to match, or own dress shoes, he wears clothes with holes in them, he chews tobacco, he talks about football way too much (and this is coming from a girl who likes football), he's too stuck in the "glory days" of high school, he doesn't have a college degree, and we bicker like an old married couple....and I love it. I just feel like I have to see this through. I'm not going to leap into anything, but I'm going to put myself out there for the first time in a long time.

And when I leave....

IF I leave...You see, my step-dale has been hurt and unable to work and now my mom doesn't know if they can afford to send me to grad school. I've been working overtime trying to save but there's the possibility that I might have to stay here in Small Town, KS for another year to save the money to go.

But not going to grad school is not an option in my mind. This school only accepts TWO people a year, and they accepted me, and if I blow them off, who knows if I'll get in again? I'll do whatever it takes to make sure I go, but there's a feeling in my chest. A tightness. It feels like all my worst fears are coming true. OF COURSE something would happen to make it hard, things can never be easy, it seems. I haven't been able to really relax since my mom came into my room and gave the blow. I may look relaxed, but it's like walking around with "brick in your pocket" as the playwright David Lindsey-Abaire would say. Sure, you can get around, but it's always there, weighing you down.

When I think of staying I see this mundane life where I basically cook and clean for a living. Not really using my mind, not CREATING. My mom would think I was being overdramatic but that feels like dying a little bit at a time. Some people can settle, some people are like sharks and have to keep swimming to survive.

Sometimes it feels like Shawn is the only light in this tunnel.

I keep telling myself that everything will be fine.

Who knew love would be so hard? Whether it's romantic love, friendship, or the love of theatrical arts, truly loving something is the worst feeling ever worth feeling....and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

"Half of my heart
Is the part of the man
Who's never truly loved anything"
--John Mayer