"Here we go again..."

"I kinda want to be more than friends"
--Neon Trees

I went to see my Pseudo Phone Boyfriend.

It was lovely. My heart was racing and I had to pee several times throughout the day because of nerves, but the day was the stuff music videos are made of.

He took me to lunch and we sat talking long after our plates had been taken away (he paid, but that fact seems irrelevant in this situation). We drove around on these narrow Kansas highways. I took pictures of the blue sky and the open road on his fancy phone. We visited his hometown, and I saw all the places he used to hang out. When he went to drop me off we sat in the car forever not wanting to say goodbye.....

But the moment that got me was during lunch. Our food was gone so there was nothing to distract us. I was leaning on my hand, hovering over my water. PPB was fidgeting with his napkin avoiding my eyes. Then he looked up, quickly returning his gaze to the burgundy napkin, rolling, and twisiting, and folding....but first, for a second, he did a double take. He stopped and looked at me. REALLY looked at me. He exhaled just a little while holding my gaze, then held his breath. It was like he'd never seen me before. It was perfect.

That's when I realized he wasn't being rude, he was just as nervous, if not more so, as I was.

I asked him if I was disappointing in real life. To sum it up the answer was "no," and he kept saying how nice I looked.

He was more awkward and more handsome than I remembered.

His shirt was soft as I laid my head on his arm driving down a gravel road.

His eyes are so green.

I wanted to kiss him so bad. My hair got in the way, and then he went in for the mouth kiss as I was going for the cheek kiss....things got weird.

But I just gave him a passionately friendly kiss on the cheek.

I drove out of the parking lot while every impulse I had was telling me to turn around and go back.

KISS HIM!

My mind screamed.

Go back and kiss him, you idiot! This is your chance...you've been waiting for this moment for MONTHS! KISS HIM!

I stayed at the stop sign for a long time....but I turned on my blinker and kept driving.

PPB and I kept texting as I was out at the bar with Shawn later that night. It felt scandalous for some reason. I'd done nothing wrong but I hadn't seemed to do anything right either.

Shawn rubbed my back as I was moaning with a stomach ache Saturday night. He also told one of his friends I was his girlfriend. We went to dinner with his sister like it was no big thing. It's a slippery slope. Being with him is so easy.

But his eyes are hazel. More brown than green. And they've never looked at me like that.

PPBand I sang this song going 65 on the Highway. My feet propped up on his dash. Sunglasses and Kansas prarie racing past our windows. Were we both thinking the lyrics rang too true?

"Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are we waiting for?
What are we waiting for?
Say goodbye to my heart tonight"
--Neon Trees