Holy Balls

Well, you're in for a treat dear readers, because my life just got funny again!

Anyone remember my Pseudo Phone Boyfriend? Well, let me tell you a little story....

I met PPB in community college. We were both in theater. Shawn had just broken up with me right before I left for college. He had broken my heart, yet again (the first time being when I was only 14. I listened to my Toni Braxton cd on repeat). Years later Shawn said it was because he never wanted to hold me back. By that time in my life I knew he was telling the truth, and I also knew he had given me the most precious gift, the freedom to make my own way in the world. I don't know if he ever imagined I'd come back to him, but at the time I knew I would. It's funny how life takes you on exactly the path you thought it would after you've forgotten the way....

But I digress.

I went off to college with the determination to live my life and have all the experiences I'd thus far been deprived of. AKA, I drank a lot that first year. Also, I found myself for the first time being considered attractive to guys. In high school I had boyfriends sure, but one boyfriend at a time, and with some time in between; and really in my group of friends I was the "cool dude with long hair." So the prospect of MULTIPLE guys being interested in me AT ONE TIME just blew my mind. I didn't know how to handle it.

And then I met Prince Charming. He literally was Prince Charming in our production of Cinderella and I was merely a chorus member. The first time I saw him he was skateboarding around the dorm parking lot with aviators on. At night. (That's where I get my saying, "Only two types of people where sunglasses at night. Blind men and douches. Are you blind?") That was it for me. I thought he was the coolest guy I'd ever seen.

PPB was a much quieter guy. While Prince Charming demanded the limelight, PPB did more brooding in the corner. He was mysterious. I didn't "get" him. I thought he was the best looking guy I'd ever seen.

So you can see my connundrum when I had both guys in my dorm room at one time vying for my attention.

PPB just gave up and left.

I made out with Prince Charming a few, unenjoyable times, and then that was it for us. I realized what a fool I'd been. It should've been PPB all along. I snuck in the boys dorm and went to his room to try and talk to him, but he would have none of it. Soon after he got into a very serious relationship, and I thought, "Oh, he never really liked me anyway."

Flash forward to this year. I'm on FB just goofing off when PPB and I start chatting. We hadn't talked in years. He lives in another state and is in the Air Force now.

Then he asks me if I can remember a time in my life that "if it had turned out differently, my whole life would have been better?" I don't know quite how to respond...Then he says, "I think if I had stayed and Prince Charming had left that night, my whole life would be different. It would be better."

My heart skipped a beat.

We began chatting more and more. He asked for my phone number. We started texting, and finally we would talk for hours at night several times a week. When I felt sad, alone, or anxious, I would call him. When I couldn't sleep, I would call him, and he would talk to me until I fell asleep with my face in the phone. It was a dark time in my life, and he was like a little life preserver keeping me afloat.

He bought me customized chucks for Valentine's Day. He let me use his subscription to Netflix for FREE. Sometimes we would watch the same movie on Netflix and then call each other and discuss it.

Then we started talking less and less. The calls became fewer and farther between. Our pseudo romance was becoming an earnest friendship in my mind. I assumed he'd found someone better, or was just plain bored with me.

Now he's here in Kansas on leave. He called me last night. He wants to see me.

I said, "Of course!" Then I realized I'd better explain to him the situation. I told him about Shawn, and to my shock, PPB got really upset. He said he didn't want to see me.

Still oblivious, I replied, "You don't want to see me just because I'm seeing someone? But, we're friends? You don't even like me....Oh my god, do you like me?!"

"Don't make me say it...."
"I didn't realize! I thought you were interested in someone else...I thought...."
"Of course I like you. I can't believe you thought I didn't like you. I bought you shoes"
"That was months ago..." was my feeble defense.

A huge smile broke out on my face.

He doesn't know his plans for sure yet, but he wants to see me this weekend. Shawn also hasn't confirmed if he's available this weekend, but I was supposed to see him, too.

I've been wanting to see my Pseudo Phone Boyfriend for over half a year now. I don't want to pass up this opportunity to see him before he goes off to war. On the other hand, I love Shawn. We haven't talked about being exclusive but I know this would hurt him.

It's not like either one of them are going to Ohio with me.

These aren't just some random dudes, though.

I don't know what to do.

Holy Balls.