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My last day in Kansas.

It's been wonderful.

I'm back to myself.

It happened my second day. I had finally seen my Ma was okay, and we'd talked about all those things we were afraid to say from so far away, and we'd laughed, and cried.....

Then, as I was driving to the grocery store to pick Ma up some popsicles, (a seemingly normal enough task) wearing a cotton sundress with the windows down, and a ridiculous radio song blaring, I came back.... I know what follows will make me seem like I'm mentally unstable, but I was singing along and then I just started laughing, just a little at first, a chuckle to myself, and then louder, until I was laughing uncontrollably. I laughed until my eyes watered. I had to STOP the car! It felt like I hadn't laughed all Winter Quarter, and I'm a girl who LOVES to laugh. My chest had felt like a rubber band being pulled taught at both ends and then someone just...let go. That someone was me. It might be one of the best moments in my whole life.

It felt so good to be back. I felt I'd been "acting" my life. In this scene Tricia will be a good student. In this scene Tricia smiles even though you've hurt her feelings. In this scene Tricia will magically pull understanding and patience out of her ass.

But once I quit following stage directions and started writing my own script again I was bursting with words! So many words! Words that can't even be contained on these electronic pages. All the words I hadn't said. Things I might never say, because it isn't even worth it, and some things I made sure to say, because it's now or never.

I went to visit some old friends.

I met Essay's new girlfriend. She's just okay, but he seems happy. After a night of beer pong and card games we sat on the couch just talking like old times while she was passed out.

I went to the town of my undergrad to see one of my best friends and her boyfriend, who actually used to be my boyfriend, which sounds weird, but just really, really isn't.

We thought we'd pretend like we were on a destination spring break and bought Hawaiian shirts at Goodwill and hung out at every body of water in town while drinking a delicious concoction known as Summer Brew. Basically we lived like lushes for two straight days. We ate fried food, danced, closed down the bars, talked about art, caught up with people, made inappropriate jokes, reminisced on old times, drummed on tabletops raucously, were a thoroughly bad influence on younger theater students, sang at the top of our lungs, made friends with strangers, and watched the sun set over the river. It was brilliant. Truly brilliant.

We ran into one of my Ex's (Tattoo Guy) at the bar. It wasn't awkward really because I could care less. The only thing that got me was I was so clearly happy to be back in Kansas, and actually pretty thrilled with my success as a graduate student, and he could only stare at me in a kind of unworthy awe as if Kansas was a prison he couldn't find the way out of.

My friends can tell me like it is, but they are always on my side. . They are an only-child's family. They don't have to be there, but they are because they want to be. Because of ME. You can be a boyfriend or a fling easy, but being my friend is a real honor. These people are the loves of my life.

Sure, boys have been talking to me and flirting with me (it seems as soon as my confidence was back, it was like a ripple effect), but surrounded by these absolutely fantastic friends and family, all other love seems irrelevant.