Spring Cleaning

It's trying to be spring here in Cincinnati. It's sunny days and rain. It's cardigan weather. And with spring comes the time-honored tradition of spring cleaning.

I made a mess, and it's time to clean it up.

Essay (one of my very best guy-friends) said, "Next time actually TAKE my advice when you ask for it.....No, here's what you do: If you LIKE him, don't date him, because you clearly have poor judgement, and I can't always be there."

Rewind a couple months:

I thought, "Guy in Texas? He's so far away! No WAY will this get dramatic. It'll be so fun, and easy."

Back to now:

I...was...wrong.

I have jumped ship when the boats were perfectly fine a million times, and I picked THIS one to stay on board. It's like I chained myself to the sinking Titanic and told the band to play on!

I let him in my life. This faux boyfriend. I don't even let REAL boyfriends in my life! I've had some very good friends for YEARS who have NEVER seen me cry, and with this guy I just put down my suitcase and unpacked.

This was the worst of it to my friend Essay:

"Now I'm offended," he said. "I pushed you and forced you FOREVER to open up to me and this guy sends you a few nice e-mails and texts and you just let him waltz in when he did NOTHING to earn it? Do you know how CRAZY that sounds?! You are so smart Tricia, but sometimes you act like a real dumb girl..."

"I know, I know. But he's like you, Essay. He pushes me too..."

"No. Just stop right there. He's not like me, because I CARE about you, and he doesn't."

There it is. Sometimes Essay wields this hammer, and I'm just a nail that needs to be hit on the head.

What's worse, to me, is that I let him into my professional life. I sent him my ENTIRE portfolio so he could make my website. That thing is probably the closest I will ever have to a child. I wouldn't even let my Ma CARRY my portfolio and I just shipped it off to him like it was nothing. My portfolio is safely back in my arms, but I have yet to see this website that I PAID for.

So I've been playing nice, hoping all this gets done. Letting him patronize me. Letting him tell me all his problems. And what do I do? I listen. I do what I can to help. Because I DO care.

He sends me these messages:

"I miss you."

"I like this."

"I like having you in my life."

It's bothersome like a papercut. He's dating someone else so why say these things to me? To make my life messier?

I wish we could just be friends, but when I try to just be friendly he says I'm being weird. He tells me not to compartmentalize him.

UGH! What do you want from me?!

Well, here's what I want. I want my website done and then I want to sweep the rest of this shit out. I want to scrub it until it shines. Until I shine.

My friend Nick said it best:

"Why worry about a guy who doesn't like you in Texas when there are plenty of guys that don't like you here!?"

And of course, some that do. But this is long enough, more on all that later.