Old Me

It's a bit disturbing, how easy it is to slip back into how I used to be.

A couple of simple messages and I have a date by the end of the week. Maybe even two. That type of power is strange, like a switch you can just turn on....All of a sudden, I am available, and every guy I've ever talked to seems to know it....and want it.

All my Fake Boyfriend had to say was, "I don't want you to get too attached."

Well, that's easy enough, I'm the queen of not getting attached.

And then something strange happened: I started to feel like a real asshole. Not for my Fake Boyfriend, I know he'll be fine, but for the poor guys that I know are just distractions, back-ups, whatever you want to call them.



Who does that? Who dates someone just because they can? Just because no one told them not to....

Where is this coming from?! Since when do I care about stuff like that?



And then my Match Guy, who I was planning on going on a second date with, got all mad at me for e-mailing another guy on Match. (Turns out the two of them are friends. I swear, that could only happen to me!)



Excuse me?! Dude, we have gone on ONE date and you're trying to tell me what I can and can't do? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down there, killer.

It's a sign. This is what I get for trying to go back to my old ways.


If he gets that bent out of shape over an e-mail, what would happen if he found out about my faux-lationship? I'm pretty sure that's how girls end up in ditches.

Why is it when you think it's going to be fun, it ends up waaaay too serious?

It freaked me out.

Speaking, of things that freak me out, the problem with really liking someone (Fake B) is all the weird stuff that comes with it. This is unfamiliar territory for me over here, and it's causing me stress, and I don't stress...ever. I don't want to jump ship like I always do, but I think I need to keep myself a priority. I know I have committment issues, but I don't want a boy to be like just another thing on my to-do list. That isn't fair to me or him. It just feels so heavy right now, in a way it never did before. So I'm taking it back to the old school (but not all the way, no "abandonment" this time around). Not investing, just rolling with the punches.


Old Me would be going on lots of dates. Old Me would have head for the hills at the first inkling of a serious conversation. Old Me just isn't Me anymore.

And that's okay, because this new girl is pretty great. (or at least a bit more mature)

Terms of Endearment

That boy.

That's how my Ma refers to any male prospect that seems semi-important to me if she hasn't met them. I think in her mind, if she hasn't met them, they don't really exsist, or matter. She doesn't attempt to learn their names. She knows me too well. Next week it could be an entirely different boy. "That boy" is a wonderful catch-all for her.

Here's an example:
"Oh, I see what you're doing, you're going back on birth control because That Boy is coming to see you."
"No, I just need to, and I have insurance now, so why not?"
"Mmmmmhmmmmm."
"What does that mean?"
"It's about That Boy."
"We're not even really dating, Ma. It's not a big deal. I can still see other people."
"Mmmmhmmmm."
"Stop doing that! Don't think I don't know what that means!"
"Have you been going on anymore Match dates lately?"
"No, I've been busy..."
"It's because you really like That Boy."
"MA!"
"I'm just sayin'..."

I've been using an entirely more dangerous term for That Boy, my Fake Boyfriend: Babe.

Ugh, I know. There is nary a more-sure sign that I have gone off the deep end than using this stupid pet name. It's fairly inocuous at this point. Just here and there, when I'm drunk or tired, but I can feel it creeping up on me. I can feel myself getting used to it, LIKING the sound of it, in fact.

I dated a guy for FIVE MONTHS once and the closest I ever got was calling him "Bud" or "Buddy."

Cue the doom-filled music.

I think I might need to take a step back.

Uh Oh

I like my Fake Boyfriend. Too much. Somehow it just happened before I could stop it.

I talk about him. Like one of the girls that annoys the crap outta me.

I talk to him on the phone all the time. ON. THE. PHONE. I HATE the phone. But we don't have anything else, and I like just talking to him...

In what world does this work out? He lives eleventy billion miles away.

(My Match.com date was good....fine. It's hard to really notice someone else. )

But he's coming to see me. For sure. In a month. The wait is excruciating.

I just thought it would be fun, frivilous, impractically delightful....Yeah, it's all those things, but...

For the first time in a long time my feelings could get hurt.

Haven't I learned yet that you can't make your Fake Boyfriend or your Pseudo Phone Boyfriend into your Real Boyfriend? It just doesn't work that way. It's just science.

I was discussing all these fears, and my dear friend Mandalynne said it best:
"Stop it Trish, just stop what you're doing. You deserve this. You deserve to have a guy who likes you for you and has the same interests as you....because you are kind, and generous, and you have pretty eyeballs, and facial features.....and you've been through so much and it's time for things to start going your way because you work so hard. So stop doing what you always do and running away. You're ruining it! Cut it out!"

Okay, I'll try.

Be Careful What You Wish For

I have a date. On Sunday.

There's a guy on match.com who seems alright, and he asked me out. It was actually really cute. He gave me 3 options based on what he thought I might like and let me choose. I chose coffee (the simplest one). He's a music teacher and he seems funny and quick so it will probably be a good time.

Then why do I feel so miserable?

I have everything I've ever wanted. I have a Fake Boyfriend to talk to on the phone or via FB and I have a real, living, breathing, date. I have the best of both worlds! Right?

I wasn't even going to reply to the witty, thoughtful date message, but then my Fake Boyfriend said he was going to go on a date, so I should too. And he's right, of course I should go....

Old Tricia would be dancing around the room with glee over this situation! Ugh. Who is this New Tricia, and what has she done with my dating philosophies?!

On a brighter note Ma got some test results back and they were normal, which is good. We haven't won the war, but we've won a battle. When I found out I took these huge, deep breaths....It felt like I hadn't even been breathing for a full day, like I'd just come up from underwater.

All of this is good, right?

I don't know what to think.

Sometimes

Sometimes life isn't fair. Sometimes you get more than your fair share of bad luck. Sometimes your Ma calls you on a normal Thursday and tells you she has cancer.

How many times can my world be ripped open before it won't go back together again?

I woke up an hour before my alarm, because I just couldn't sleep anymore. If you know me, you know this is quite unusual. I wanted to sleep it off like a bad hangover, but my body wouldn't let me. I ache. There is this tightness in my chest. That's how I know it's real, even though it doesn't feel like it can be.

I know "cancer" is a scary shocking word. I know that there are lots of treatments and it is not nearly as fatal as it used to be. I KNOW that. But knowing doesn't make it doesn't suck any less, and we won't know any details until Monday. That gives me a whole weeked to imagine the worst...except for I can't even imagine the very worst....a life without my Ma.

I messaged a small handful of my close friends, but told them not to call me. I didn't want to talk about it. I COULDN'T talk about it. And then I messaged my Fake Boyfriend and I told him what was going on. And so he called, and told him I wanted to talk about anything BUT my Ma, and so we did. And for a while, even though I was sad, I got to laugh and feel good. Maybe it was selfish, and maybe it isn't the best way to deal with things, but sometimes, it is.

Sometimes, just talking about something is enough.

Whether it's your Ma, or your friends, or just a voice over the phone, (at the risk of counding corny) everybody needs somebody sometimes.

I'm not even really religious, but this has been going through my head, from my favorite James Taylor record:

"Won't you look down upon me Jesus
Ain't gotta help me make a stand
Just got to see me through another day
My body's achin' and the time is at hand
And I won't make it any other way"
--Fire and Rain

Good News

He's coming to see me! Ahhhh! I can't believe it! In February!

Please, God, don't let this not happen....or suck.

What an impossible situation. Whenever I refer to him I call him my "Fake Boyfriend." He's not just some dude, but he's sooooo far away. Real boyfriends you can see and touch (not that I have any claim on him or anything, let's be real here, that seems rash and premature). I feel like a stupid girl, but he gives me the stomach flip. He gives me the stomach flip without even seeing him. I thought that was impossible. In fact, I thought I was past the age of the stomach flip (like after a certain age it just doesn't happen anymore). It feels really cool to know that's not true.

Yeah, I'm still on match.com, and yeah, my New Year's Eve was really cool, and yeah, I've started school again, but I don't want to write about anything else right now.


Right now I'm just going to be ridiculously excited.


And after a day or so I might think about reminding myself how crazy and stupid this is.
And then tell myself that nobody likes a Debbie Downer.