Sometimes

Sometimes life isn't fair. Sometimes you get more than your fair share of bad luck. Sometimes your Ma calls you on a normal Thursday and tells you she has cancer.

How many times can my world be ripped open before it won't go back together again?

I woke up an hour before my alarm, because I just couldn't sleep anymore. If you know me, you know this is quite unusual. I wanted to sleep it off like a bad hangover, but my body wouldn't let me. I ache. There is this tightness in my chest. That's how I know it's real, even though it doesn't feel like it can be.

I know "cancer" is a scary shocking word. I know that there are lots of treatments and it is not nearly as fatal as it used to be. I KNOW that. But knowing doesn't make it doesn't suck any less, and we won't know any details until Monday. That gives me a whole weeked to imagine the worst...except for I can't even imagine the very worst....a life without my Ma.

I messaged a small handful of my close friends, but told them not to call me. I didn't want to talk about it. I COULDN'T talk about it. And then I messaged my Fake Boyfriend and I told him what was going on. And so he called, and told him I wanted to talk about anything BUT my Ma, and so we did. And for a while, even though I was sad, I got to laugh and feel good. Maybe it was selfish, and maybe it isn't the best way to deal with things, but sometimes, it is.

Sometimes, just talking about something is enough.

Whether it's your Ma, or your friends, or just a voice over the phone, (at the risk of counding corny) everybody needs somebody sometimes.

I'm not even really religious, but this has been going through my head, from my favorite James Taylor record:

"Won't you look down upon me Jesus
Ain't gotta help me make a stand
Just got to see me through another day
My body's achin' and the time is at hand
And I won't make it any other way"
--Fire and Rain