Signs

I need a sign.

The MVP and I ave gone on a couple little "dates" this week.

First we went out to the Dirty30 to have a couple of drinks, for Katie's birthday....again.

He was great to talk to, he complimented my style, told me I was pretty, and made my life a whole lot more complicated. Why couldn't he have just sucked to hang out with? That would have made the decision much easier, because I'm just not the kinda girl that can do the "dating multiple guys" thing.

Glass Guy was in Topeka blowing glass, of course, so I asked the MVP to go to my Roomie's show with me instead. He agreed in an instant, no hesitation. The show was terribly long and a bit dull, but the acting was good. MVP never ONCE complained and at the end of the night he said that the best part was getting to hang out with me. AWWWWW....

The thing I like about the MVP is that he's from a different country and I feel as if I'm always learning something about another culture. I'm like Sigourney Weaver in Out of Africa.

The problem is, I think he's a bit too sweet for me. It's not that I want an asshole I just want someone who can really dissect a play with me and keeps me guessing a bit.

As I was hanging out with MVP at his house watching Office Space (he has good taste in comedy) and he was playing with my hair (something I love) I realized: I want Glass Guy.

Well, I really realized it during the play when that guy we messed with at the party had a bit part in it. I wanted to text him our little inside joke. It's a bad sign to be thinking of someone else whilst on a date, right?

Glass Guy, the socially awkward, self-proclaimed lone wolf.

The thing is, he's not awkward with me (except on my front stoop but the blame goes to both of us on that one). I just need a sign. A sign as to whether or not he really is interested in me. I don't want to blow off a nice guy like the MVP who clearly wants to date me and will treat me really nice if I'm just wasting my time.

A kiss would do the trick.

But really any sign will do.

I've been scanning the radio trying to see what songs move me, I've been scouring facebook for clues, and I end up feeling just as ridiculous as an M. Night Shamylan movie.

Please, send me a sign.

Black and White

So the MVP has been texting me a lot lately. The problem is, he never tries to make concrete plans to meet, he just wants to text chat all the time and if you know me you know I'm not all that into the phone. Plus he's from Uganda which is totally hot (I'm talking Djimon Honnossu--I'm sure I didn't spell that right, but it's the actor from Blood Diamond--dark-skinned African hot), but it also means he uses a lot of ebonics and I don't understand it half the time, I just pretend like I do and move on. He's a snappy dresser, though. AND he gives me lots of attention. He's always calling me pretty and interesting and asking about my day. My friend Beardy vouched for him and I trust his opinion. He seems like a nice guy and he's even (surprisingly, for someone so athletic) in the arts. He's a graphic arts major. Sounds great for my last couple of months in KS, huh? I mean, as long as he doesn't catch on to the fact that I don't know what he's saying....

So we went out for Katie's birthday last night and I invited the MVP and Glass Guy. Playing with fire, I know, but I seriously didn't think GG would show up.

And he did.

I know I really kinda like him because whenever he walks in the room I feel like I'm going to throw up for about 5 seconds. It sounds like a bad thing, but my stomach just flips so hard it literally makes me nauseous. It brings a whole new meaning to "that guy makes me want to vomit."

Luckily I got a text from the MVP saying he couldn't make it. Of course a text, because god-forbid we see each other face to face and have a real conversation....

Whew. That was a close one.

On the other hand Glass Guy has had my number for several days now and has yet to utilize it. He keeps showing up, though. That has to be a good sign, right?

We played couples pool. I've never played couples anything and it was quite fun.

I know it's supposed to be romantic that whenever we hang out it's like we're the only two people there but I'm starting to feel like I'm missing out on what goes on around me. It's like when a mentally unstable person blacks out and all of a sudden they snap out of it and don't know where they are. It's kinda disconcerting. Like, "what just happened?" (don't worry, I'm not committing any heinous crimes during these blackouts.....that I know of...)

I was feeling sorta brave and so I thought I might ask him to go to my Roomie's last show with me. Then he dropped the bomb: I don't really like theater. Wow. Just like that. I think he could tell I didn't like that because he started backtracking. "It's nothing personal. I'm sure you're great. Maybe I can go...we'll see...What about your step-dad's show? I bet I would like that...When is that?"

I almost fell off my chair.

He WANTS to go to my step-dad's concert? My MOM will be there, and ALL of her friends. Usually I would say no way, no how to this, but I only have a few months left so I thought "what the hell?"

Luckily I think he has to work.

Whew. Another close one.

So at the end of the night he walks me home and he even lets me borrow his jacket because it's cold and then there we are again. On my front stoop. Feeling really awkward.

Please let him kiss me, I thought. Or I bought that third drink for no reason....

He went in for the hug again so I thought I'd be super smooth and give him a little kiss on the cheek to show I was interested, but something went awry and my hair got in the way so I ended up with a mouth full of hair and feeling even more awkward.

That's our MO, everything is great until we get to my front stoop and BAM! We're transported to Awkward-ville. Population: 2.

Katie called me today: "How did your night end?"

"I kissed my hair."

Katie laughed about it all day. At least I made her laugh on her birthday....

I just wish we could get this whole kiss thing outta the way. It makes me almost as awkward as he is.

The MVP just texted me and he wants to hang out tonight. Gasp!

I don't know how I'm going to do this juggling two guys thing. I'm no Katie. It doesn't come naturally me.

Which would you choose?

Black as midnight, athletic, super smooth, attention showering, graphic artist

or

Hitler's Aryan Army look-alike, tall, awkward, sweet, gives me butterflies, glass blower?

Black or White?

Black AND White?

One Wild Weekend

Wow, what a weekend, and it's really only Saturday night! (or Sunday morning if you want t get technical)

This was the first entire weekend off I've had in I can't remember when, so I thought I'd make the most of it. Friday, after an 8 hour shift at work I headed to Blue House for a couple of girlfriend's birthday party. You'll never guess who showed up: Glass Guy.

I, with baited breath, had sent GG a link of a singer named Leon Redbone performing an old Irving Berlin tune. He's really into old music, so I took a chance, and it paid off. He upped the ante, sending me TWO links and writing on my wall. I was positively giddy. I mean, that's a lot of facebook attention. So, I sent him a FB invite to the Blue House party. He didn't know anyone there, I didn't expect him to show up, but I wore my super pretty pink maxi dress just in case.

And he did.

I'm lauging with my friends and I turn around and there he is out of nowhere. The rest of the night became like a cocoon and we were the only two people inside. Joel brought his parachute (why Joel has a parachute, I don't know), and we all played with the parachute like we did in gradeschool. GG and I weren't drinking that much and everyone else was ridiculosly drunk (maybe it was being the old-er graduates at a college house party) so we quickly started messing with people. It was like our own little inside joke. We kept sharing furtive glances and laughing, and his smile is fantastic. Like I said before, the way his face crinkles up, it's like his whole face is smiling and not just his mouth. Also, I'm pretty sure we talked at least one guy into believing that GG used to be a big actor in the theater department and played Lysistrata in Lysistrata.

I lean in, "Lysistrata's a woman."

GG, "I figured."

More smiles. More heart fluttering.

When the party died down he drove me home. Neither of us were tired so we went to my place. Being a classy lady and not wanting to seem over eager, I didn't invite him up. Instead we sat on my front stoop and just talked. We talked about art and all the BS that comes along with it. He told me I looked nice. He told me I was easy to talk to. The conversation didn't stall like it did the other night and all of a sudden two hours had passed. We exchanged phone numbers. I asked. He's just so....well, awkward. We hugged goodnight. It was a great first non-date.

On to Saturday.

One of my favorite guys who I lovingly call Beardy is president of the rugby team and he asked me to come to their alumni game. Being a football fan and hearing that rugby is like football without pads, I agreed. Katie and I filled our reusable water bottles with beer and hauled Roomie's lawn chairs out to the field. I have no idea what was going on on the field (turns out it's pretty different from football) but even alumni ruggers are ridiculously good looking so I definitely enjoyed the game.

Afterwards Katie, Emily, Jen, Saya, and I headed to Desperados for the after game party. Mind you the game ended at 3:30, so it's still light out, but apparently the rugby team buys multiple kegs and everyone drinks for free, so the sun was up, and we all got a bit (and some people a lot) drunk.

Rugby players have all these cool traditions. They sing these rugby drinking songs and when you get your first goal in a game you do something called a Zulu at the after party where you run around naked and people throw beer on you. Three, count 'em, THREE guys did Zulus at this party, and they all definitely work out. Very nice.

One rugger randomly came up to our table as we were chatting with some of the other players. All my friends had been talking about how cute he was the whole day (I didn't see it, not my type). He looked at me, did a double take, and pointed.

"You. You are fucking gorgeous." And just like that, he was gone.

I could feel myself blush as he walked away.

The other guys turned to me.

GUY ONE: "You are gorgeous."
GUY TWO: "I second that."
GUY THREE: "He seconds it, I third it. You're gorgeous."

The MVP of the year took out his recently-won plaque. "As MVP I declare that you are, indeed, fucking gorgeous."

I think I died and went to rugby heaven.

The MVP even asked for my number. I guess when it rains it pours.

I was hoping to at least get a text from Glass Guy tonight....no such luck. He's shy, and it doesn't mean he's not interested unless it's been more than 3 days (at least I hope so). He did some more FB commenting though, so that's encouraging. I guess I shouldn't be too greedy. You can't have 5 guys call you gorgeous and your Glass Guy too, that's just obscene.

I'm Back in Black

Just when you think all hope is lost, you get thrown a rope.

Monday night I went out with Katie to "cheer me up," and I came home feeling worse than before.

But last night, on an ordinary Tuesday, something extraordinary happened: I got over it.

Katie was celebrating the "holiday" yesterday and invited me to join. I do not partake in the smoking of cannibus, (I've tried it, not for me. If I wanted to be tired and hungry I'd just watch Oprah) but I decided to come out anyway. I really didn't fix myself up special but my outfit was cute. I wore my skinny jeans rolled up with black sandals and a black tunic with a tan belt around it. The tunic was a button-down so it was nice and low cut, and I topped it off with gold and black leaf earrings and put my hair in a messy bun with my grecian-style headband. I was back in black.

At first I was bored and not drinking, and Katie was a bit loopy, so it looked to be another lackluster night, when in walked Glass Guy.

My heart skipped a beat.

"I need a drink," I proclaimed.

I didn't even have to say hello to him like I usually do because he's super awkward; HE came over to ME. We spent most of the night in our own little world just chatting. I don't really remember what about. It's always like that on a good night, I can barely remember it. I do remember that the conversation stalled quite a bit. He's the type of guy who's not much for joking and playing along (basically ALL I do) and conversation with him can be a bit of chore, like pulling teeth, actually. Luckily he's good to look at, so that makes up for it a bit, and once you get him going he's actually quite fun until he realizes he's doing it and remembers to be awkward again....I'd compare him to the old '84 Cutlass I drove in high school: A cool, yet dependable, classic car but if you don't warm it up for 10 minutes in the winter it dies at every stop sign.

He bought me a drink. Guys NEVER buy me drinks unless I've known them forever and they refer to me as "dude" a lot.

We all decided to leave while he was talking to some art friend so I just swept out of the room with a demure, yet titillating little wave. The look on his face was priceless, like he wanted to run after me but just....couldn't.

Katie's Not Boyfriend (who I've mentioned before, back when he was Katie's Boyfriend. Long story for a different blog...) gave me a high five for being ultra smooth. Me, smooth? Who Knew?

It was great. Just what I needed when I needed it.

Will it go anywhere? Nah, but maybe we'll flirt a few more times when we bump into each other....That would be nice.

Either way, I'm back!

And when I got into the car that night to go home, my favorite ridiculous radio song came on:

"Baby don't worry
You won't be lonely
You are my only
Even if the sky is falling down...."

The Master Becomes the Student

I got a text from Katie as I got off work last night:
"Tattoo Guy in Walgreens with a girl, they're going to a movie."

Me: "Is she cute?"

Katie: "Kinda"

I burst into tears.

I should've known that you never get what you want by lowering your standards.

And, for the first time in my life, I knew what it felt like to be one of those guys I'd blown off, and it sucked. It sucked so hard.

I was sitting on the couch in my bathrobe when my Roomie came home. I just sat there like a lump and explained the situation.

"This feels awful. I'm a terrible person." I cried.

"You're not a terrible person...."

"I never thought that any of those guys really cared that much, but if I make people feel this way.....I didn't know.....Do you think all those guys felt this way?"

"Not ALL of them....probably Kenny did."

I laughed through my tears "Poor, Kenny. Poor, sweet Kenny."

So I made a vow. The Master of blowing people off is retiring. Hanging up her hat. I will never again break up with someone "by abadonment."

DEFINITION: Break-up by Abandonment - (verb) Coined by my best friend from high school Destinee, probably one of the sweetest, politest girls I've ever met, it's worth noting. It's when you cut off all contact with a guy you're kinda seeing (emphasis on kinda, this is not a method that works with an all-out boyfriend) for a week. No texts, no facebook messages, no calls, no NOTHING. After said week you are officially "broken up by abandonment." It's the equivalent of leaving a baby in a dumpster, emotionally. It's extremely effective, and as I discovered, really cowardly and cruel. In fact, on Yahoo it was rated #2, second only to cheating, on The Top Ten Worst Ways to Break Up With Someone. It was also my absolute favorite method of ditching guys I was only casually seeing for the last 5 years.

No more. I'm too old for that stuff.

Back to my living room, me wallowing in my own self-pity: "This is karma. This is my punishment for all those guys I blew off."

Roomie, "Well, I do believe in karma...."

"I always thought Actor Ex was my punishment for blowing guys off."

"Yeah, except you KEPT doing it even after you dated him."

"No I.....I did, didn't I?"

Roomie nods. "Poor Kenny..."

We both laugh, not so much at him but at how the tables have turned.

So now I know. Lesson learned.

I realize I have so much left to learn, if only I open myself up to it.

Being the Master of blowing people off doesn't really lend itself to finding a lasting, meaningful relationship, which I now can admit, is something I'm looking for.

So now that I'm done being the Master, I can be the student.

Don't worry, it's not a downgrade, because I'll be the most kickass student ever. After all, I was Valedictorian of my high school class.

Wants vs. Needs

My Psuedo Phone Boyfriend is getting deployed.

To Afghanistan.

Shit just got real.

He's really excited, or at least he seems so and he said it wouldn't be that dangerous but it felt like there was a little pebble caught in my throat when he told me, like I couldn't breathe.

On the upside that means he is taking leave soon so I will get to see him which will be.......weird....

He just found out yesterday and then got a little drunk at a Pizza Hut and decided to call me. I had been feeling pretty bruised from the whole Tattoo Guy situation so his name on my caller ID definitely put a smile on my face.

He always gets a little philosophical when he's inebriated and so he started telling me some of his viewpoints on life, love, and the pursuit of happiness....one really struck me:

"I don't think I could ever date a girl who was totally independent because she wouldn't need me, and if you're not needed, what's the point?"

I was aghast. Being an independent girl I immediately went on the defensive. Shouldn't you love yourself and your life before you can love someone else? What if you don't need them but you want them? What if the rest of your life is perfect and makes you happy, but they just make it complete?

"Then you need them. What's to stop someone from leaving if they don't really need you and you don't need them? Then they're just like a possession. You don't need a new pair of jeans but you want them....That's not love. Love is needing someone if only in some small way....if only because you can't sleep without them."

Wow.

So it got me thinking....Do I NEED a guy, or do I just WANT one?

The obvious post feminist answer is of course I don't NEED a guy! That's ridiculous! I'm smart, and funny, and successful, and I have lots of friends. What in the world would I NEED a guy for?

"You see, it's like when you're a little kid, and you need your parents. You love them and you need them, and then after a while, as you get older, you don't stop loving them per say, but you stop NEEDING them, and they have to let you go and stop needing you, so you have to put that need somewhere else. You have to take care of someone else and be taken care of. That's what a significant other is."

I don't need taken care of, Mister! Do you know who you're talking to? I've got it all figured out. I wear the right outfits, I'm going to a great grad school, and I have a ton of friends if I NEED someone. I don't NEED NO STINKIN' GUY!

"Love is not being able to understand what life would be like without them. Yes you would physically go on living, but it wouldn't be the same. That's why people get divorced, because they don't need each other, they just want each other, so when it's not fun, or they have a fight, they just jump ship."

While I was at work today I kept racking my brain for something I would NEED from a guy. Money? No, I have a job. Company? I seriously have plenty of wonderful friends, even male ones. Sex? Sure I want it, but I don't NEED it. Plus, it's not ideal, but I could (if I wanted to....I don't) find any random dude for that and/or do it myself.

My mind kept wandering back to Tattoo Guy. That one morning in my bed. The light filtering in through the pale green sheers...purple flowers in bloom on the tree swaying in the wind juxtaposed against a spring blue sky....resting my head in the crook of a big, strong arm. When I got cold in the night as I always do he was there. I slept with the light off for the first time in months because for once I felt safe. It didn't matter that the sheets got all messed up, or that I couldn't sleep sideways, or that I didn't have all the pillows to myself; when I rolled over, he scooped me up in his arms and I laid on his chest. I may or may not have drooled on his chest, but he didn't complain. He said I still looked pretty, even without a stitch of make-up, without all my accessories, without all my armor. I had forgotten what having a guy in my bed even felt like. Time slowed down for just a little bit.

I need that.

It didn't work out with Tattoo Guy and I don't really know what happened but it doesn't even matter, because I realized today while folding polos at JCPenney (my "real job" as my mom calls it), that I NEED that. Not HIM, but THAT.

I need that. Call me crazy, call me a hypocrit, call me anti-feminist, call me whatever you want.

I need that.

The Dumbest Thing Ever

I feel as a dating blogger that it is my duty to point out when things that couples do are really, really dumb, and today, I saw, I kid you not: THE DUMBEST THING EVER!

(cue dramatic music)

Actor Ex and his gf "kissed and made up" via somber song lyric facebook statuses.

Lame.

Apparently they had a fight or something, I have no idea, all I know is what showed up on my homepage newsfeed. First, Actor Ex posted some lyrics about begging forgiveness and crying, wah wah, whatever....didn't recognize the song, but I could tell it was a song because it rhymed. At least I hope it was a song and not the lamest poem ever....that sounds like another blog entry: "Lamest Poem Ever." hahahaha

Anyway, so then SHE posts lyrics from Regina Spektor's "The Call," aka the song from the end of Prince Caspian. Basically the gist of that was that she'd come back to him....The shittiest part is that I like that song. I mean, I like that song A LOT, and now it's ruined. Every time I hear it I'll think of their stupid, public display of sappiness and digital immaturity.

I mean, is it possible to talk about your feelings without the world wide web knowing about it? And how about just saying what you mean and meaning what you say? I guess maybe I'm just too old-fashioned, but I like to maintain a sense of privacy.

Wait a minute....

Hi pot, I'm kettle, you're looking quite black today :)

Still, it's The Dumbest Thing Ever.

You gotta give me that.

I hate being right....

Something I am proud to say I inherited from my mom (although not nearly to the degree that she has) is my uncanny ability to be right about things. I don't know why, I just am, and sometimes it really, really sucks.

JUST when I was done with Tattoo Guy he starts texting me again. So I, like an idiot, ignite my little glimmer of hope and start putting myself out there again.

EVERY TIME I suggested we go out or do something he's "busy." He's ALWAYS busy. Whatever. I know what it is to be truly busy and when I like someone I still make time for them. No one's THAT busy.

So, I called him out on it.

After texting him this last time about hanging out I started feeling a bit pathetic. He replied with his typical "I don't know, I'm really busy....blah blah....poor me....blah blah" response. So I just said (via text):
"Look, if you just "don't have time for me" that's fine. I've definitely used that one before and I think it's one of the classier blowoff methods. If you want to hang out let me know, but I'm done buggn you about it."

No response.

I guess at least he didn't make some half-hearted rebuttle.

I am the master of blowing people off and you definitely can't pull the wool over my eyes. You name it, I've been there, done that. Who did this guy think he was dealing with? He obviously underestimated me.

I clearly over-estimated him.

One time, just once, when I call a guy out on their total bullshit I'd like them to own up to it. Why can't people just be honest with each other? They want to be all nicey-nice about everything and I'm tired of it. Grow a pair!

So, I was right....woo hoo....

Sometimes when you hit the nail on the head, it feels like you really just hit yourself.

He's just not that into me

I'm getting rejected by a nerd.

I'm now a tanned, glossed, toned goddess and I'm being rejected by a balding nerd who dresses like he's from the late nineties. (Seriously, he has his wallet on a chain....I should've known it would never work)

Tattoo Guy doesn't call, he doesn't text, he doesn't do anything. If I want to make plans with him I have to ask, and even then sometimes he puts me off until late like I'm just supposed to rearrange my schedule for him. The nerve!

So what if he gave me multiple orgasms? (once again, no we didn't "do it" Mom, and you chose to read this) That does NOT entitle him to a girl like me. All my friends think he's weird, one of his friends said I was way out of his league, and yet HE is blowing ME off. I don't get it. All I have to say is thank GOD I didn't reciprocate. Of course, there in might be my problem, but if a nerd doesn't know he has to earn his keep with a girl like me I'm better off without him.

The thing is, I was ready to be done with him. That's the kinda girl I am. I just got this feeling, that sinking feeling I always get when someone isn't right for me, and I had to get out. But, then I tried to be a reasonable adult and thought: "hey, my gut's been wrong before, and an orgasm that you don't have to make happen yourself is hard to come by" (excuse the pun).

My Roomie said it to me in the most truthful, yet depressing terms: "I don't think he's your calliber, and I don't think he's right for you, but if you really want to have sex before you leave for grad school he's probably the best you're going to find. I mean, this is Emporia, there are no guys."

Gee, thanks.

So now, despite my better judgement, I'm having to face the fact that Tattoo Guyis just not that into ME.

On the upside, I had a fairly miserable Saturday night IN due to sickness and who happened to call me but my psuedo boyfriend! He didn't care that I kept coughing, he didn't care that I sounded so stoppped up I could have been the main speaker at a techie convention, he didn't care that on the other side of the phone I was still in my bathrobe and my hair was a mess; he just wanted to talk. We talked for two hours and by the end I wasn't feeling so sick anymore.

Psuedo Phone Boyfriends: very inconvenient geographically but somehow always there when you need them.

What's on the agenda tonight?

After not being able to eat for a few days I'm practically famished and so I bought myself a cookie cake and some Cape Cod chips and I'm watching Sex and the City and feeling a bit sorry for myself. After all, I did just get rejected by a nerd.

He Got Game

No, my topic this week will not be about a not-well-known Spike Lee joint starring Denzel Washington....it's about the games people play in the act of seduction.

I got stood up yesterday....kinda. I haven't been stood up since Levi Fyock stood me up in high school. Karma got him in the end, he married a crack whore and was divorced by age 21....I kid you not.

So, I make plans to go with Tattoo Guy to see the Student Art Show which my immensely talented friend Katie got all 3 of her pieces into (and she got into the Kansas Collegiate show, and they said her work was the best in the student show, AND she got a scholarship without even applying for it....have I mentioned what an amazing artist she is?), and at 5:10, aka 10 minutes late, I text him to see what's up. His excuse? He "completely forgot." He FORGOT about our date! I couldn't believe it. So, I was drinking a glass of wine while I waited for him and as the minutes ticked on I kept drinking and before I knew it the bottle was empty and I was a little drunk.

Here's the weird part: I was totally turned on.

You see, I'm used to guys, especially nerdy guys, bending over backwards for me; and this guy is always busy and tells me like it is....and it pisses me off....and I LOVE it.

What's wrong with me?

He came over that night to make it up to me, and boy, did he. (don't worry mom, I didn't even take my pants off) It was awesome, and soooo hot.

Our first date he compliments me and opens car doors and I'm not into it....he stands me up and I can't get enough of him.

I am SUCH a girl sometimes.

Tonight we were supposed to hang out....I text him. He's "busy" until 10pm but he can squeeze me in then....What?! It's like he doesn't even realize how lucky a guy like him is to be seeing a girl like me. Let's face it: He Got Game.

Last night I'm talking to him abou this and I say "Ya know, I'm not used to this, I'm used to guys--"

"--Doing whatever you say because you're so pretty? Well, I'm not gonna jump through hoops, sweetheart." He interrrupted. Sometimes I swear this guy can read my mind....then he said, "You are really pretty though, like, I don't even want to leave with you laying there like that, but I have stuff to do."

I melted.

"It's okay...do what you want..." I say nonchalantly.

"You're not a very good liar. You know, you don't have to feign non-chalance with me."

"I'm not. You'll be back." Not conceit, just fact.

He just smiled and left.

You see, I Got Game, too.

So down...

You ever been so down you feel like you'll never be able to get back up again?

You ever feel so alone it's like a crushing weight on your heart?

Work was rough today. More than rough. I had to work so I missed my family Easter and then a hispanic family got really mad at me, the dad was pretty hostile, and they told my manager I was rude. I cried. I cried at work, in the stock room. It was horrible and really embarrassing.

I cried in the bathroom yesterday when I realized I wouldn't get to go to my dream school because I just couldn't afford it. I turned on the water so no one could hear me.

I tried to text Tatto Guy. He's busy. Not that he could really help. No one wants a weepy sad girl after one date. I need some "we've been dating for a while and it's okay that your mascara is all over your face" type of comforting.

Now I sit here. Alone. I dressed up to go out but I can't bring myself to go.

I've pushed away everyone who ever wanted to get close to me, and now I'm screaming for help and there's no one to listen.

This is the backlash of being a commitment-a-phobe. I don't have anyone to hold me when my heart hurts.

This is what happens when your life gets broken and you can't trust people. This is what happens when you're not even sure if you CAN love someone.

Is it possible, is it really possible, to achieve all your dreams and follow your goals and also find love?

I don't think so.

You either get one or the other. And I just so happen to be really good at what I do and really terrible with relationships.

Most times, it's okay.

But on nights like this it's the worst feeling in the world.

Like sitting in a boat in the middle of the ocean. Adrift in the endlessness.

The First Kiss

So much is riding on that maiden liplock.

I for one, am of the belief that when you kiss, you just KNOW.

Here's a story or parallels.

I once went on a date with a really cool, attractive musician. Well, more than one date. I had been admiring him ever since he played a rockin' guitar solo for our Community College band. Our first date was to a coffee shop on open mic night. The music was good, the vibe was good. No kiss. Our second date was to see a theater in the park show. The show was so-so, but I love theater and being outside. No kiss. This guy was smart, polite, and talented. He didn't dress so hot. Crew socks with old sporty tennis shoes and jean shorts. Bad, but not irrevocable. Our third date was magic. We went out for pizza, played on the playground in the park, and talked until the streetlamps came on. Then he kissed me. We had made plans to go golfing together (I love golf), he wrote a song about me....All gone. Nope. Not right for me. I was done then and there. I just knew.

To this day I wonder sometimes if I made a mistake.

On that same note, I once went out on a horrible date with a stoner, aspiring actor. He fixed his hair (one of two times he ever fixed his hair), he looked amazing. We'd been flirting for months. We drank champagne, watched a movie, talked on my front porch for hours. Then around 2am we decided to go out to the river. We talked about religion, philosophy, books. When we got in his car however, it won't start. We ask some police officers for help who end up breathalyzing my date. He's not drunk but he's a minor. He gets an MIC and we get escorted home in separate cop cars. We didn't kiss. We hugged goodnight. The next time we hung out we made out for 30 minutes. He set my world on fire. He told me he was crazy. I didn't care. I met a much nicer, more stable guy with a job and less neuroses: I blew him off. He made my whole body tingle. I couldn't resist him. We were so happy. By the end of our 8 month relationship and semester-long break-up I was miserable, depressed, and felt like I could never love anyone. We had a yelling match on Mass St. in Lawrence. We were THAT couple. He decimated me.

But when we kissed, I just knew.

Is my gut leading me astray?

I've always trusted my instincts, and in everything else in my life they have been spot on. I always cut and run when I feel it. But what if my feelings are flawed?

I haven't kissed Tattoo Guy yet. Probably will. I have to know.

I foresee my gut leading me away from yet another great guy....but I can't help how I feel.

Conundrums.

My life is full of them. I got into CCM and UNCSA. UNCSA is one of the best art schools in the nation. And they want me. But I can't afford to go. That's my life. My biggest problem is that my future is filled with possibility, and I have to choose.

Too many choices....so little time.

Our First Date

Tatto Guy did call. We hung out last night at the Dirty30 to celebrate Katie getting all of her artwork into the student show. We talked a lot and had a great time. He walked me home, we hugged. It was nice......

We went on our first official date tonight. He took me to see "Hot Tub Time Machine" which was an enjoyable movie but only really worth renting if you want to see a movie entitled "Hot Tub Time Machine."

He paid. Bonus.

Things went well. I was wearing a cute date outfit and he showed up in a superhero tee, but it was a Batman tee and at least Batman is my favorite superhero....

We were definitely a little cozy in the movie, nothing too exciting, but arms touching. When the movie was over I didn't want it to end. We got some Taco Bell (fancy, I know). He paid. Bonus. But it was only an 89 cent burrito.

We talked out on my front stoop for a long time. Sometime in the evening the date just got too long. He talked too much. He was too self-deprecating...etc.

The night was lovely, and he even opened the car door for me (which I actually don't like, it makes me uncomfortable), but although earlier today I was sure we would have our first kiss tonight by the end of the night I just wasn't feeling it.

I'll give it another shot. He does tell me I'm pretty a lot. Bonus.