So down...

You ever been so down you feel like you'll never be able to get back up again?

You ever feel so alone it's like a crushing weight on your heart?

Work was rough today. More than rough. I had to work so I missed my family Easter and then a hispanic family got really mad at me, the dad was pretty hostile, and they told my manager I was rude. I cried. I cried at work, in the stock room. It was horrible and really embarrassing.

I cried in the bathroom yesterday when I realized I wouldn't get to go to my dream school because I just couldn't afford it. I turned on the water so no one could hear me.

I tried to text Tatto Guy. He's busy. Not that he could really help. No one wants a weepy sad girl after one date. I need some "we've been dating for a while and it's okay that your mascara is all over your face" type of comforting.

Now I sit here. Alone. I dressed up to go out but I can't bring myself to go.

I've pushed away everyone who ever wanted to get close to me, and now I'm screaming for help and there's no one to listen.

This is the backlash of being a commitment-a-phobe. I don't have anyone to hold me when my heart hurts.

This is what happens when your life gets broken and you can't trust people. This is what happens when you're not even sure if you CAN love someone.

Is it possible, is it really possible, to achieve all your dreams and follow your goals and also find love?

I don't think so.

You either get one or the other. And I just so happen to be really good at what I do and really terrible with relationships.

Most times, it's okay.

But on nights like this it's the worst feeling in the world.

Like sitting in a boat in the middle of the ocean. Adrift in the endlessness.