Wants vs. Needs

My Psuedo Phone Boyfriend is getting deployed.

To Afghanistan.

Shit just got real.

He's really excited, or at least he seems so and he said it wouldn't be that dangerous but it felt like there was a little pebble caught in my throat when he told me, like I couldn't breathe.

On the upside that means he is taking leave soon so I will get to see him which will be.......weird....

He just found out yesterday and then got a little drunk at a Pizza Hut and decided to call me. I had been feeling pretty bruised from the whole Tattoo Guy situation so his name on my caller ID definitely put a smile on my face.

He always gets a little philosophical when he's inebriated and so he started telling me some of his viewpoints on life, love, and the pursuit of happiness....one really struck me:

"I don't think I could ever date a girl who was totally independent because she wouldn't need me, and if you're not needed, what's the point?"

I was aghast. Being an independent girl I immediately went on the defensive. Shouldn't you love yourself and your life before you can love someone else? What if you don't need them but you want them? What if the rest of your life is perfect and makes you happy, but they just make it complete?

"Then you need them. What's to stop someone from leaving if they don't really need you and you don't need them? Then they're just like a possession. You don't need a new pair of jeans but you want them....That's not love. Love is needing someone if only in some small way....if only because you can't sleep without them."

Wow.

So it got me thinking....Do I NEED a guy, or do I just WANT one?

The obvious post feminist answer is of course I don't NEED a guy! That's ridiculous! I'm smart, and funny, and successful, and I have lots of friends. What in the world would I NEED a guy for?

"You see, it's like when you're a little kid, and you need your parents. You love them and you need them, and then after a while, as you get older, you don't stop loving them per say, but you stop NEEDING them, and they have to let you go and stop needing you, so you have to put that need somewhere else. You have to take care of someone else and be taken care of. That's what a significant other is."

I don't need taken care of, Mister! Do you know who you're talking to? I've got it all figured out. I wear the right outfits, I'm going to a great grad school, and I have a ton of friends if I NEED someone. I don't NEED NO STINKIN' GUY!

"Love is not being able to understand what life would be like without them. Yes you would physically go on living, but it wouldn't be the same. That's why people get divorced, because they don't need each other, they just want each other, so when it's not fun, or they have a fight, they just jump ship."

While I was at work today I kept racking my brain for something I would NEED from a guy. Money? No, I have a job. Company? I seriously have plenty of wonderful friends, even male ones. Sex? Sure I want it, but I don't NEED it. Plus, it's not ideal, but I could (if I wanted to....I don't) find any random dude for that and/or do it myself.

My mind kept wandering back to Tattoo Guy. That one morning in my bed. The light filtering in through the pale green sheers...purple flowers in bloom on the tree swaying in the wind juxtaposed against a spring blue sky....resting my head in the crook of a big, strong arm. When I got cold in the night as I always do he was there. I slept with the light off for the first time in months because for once I felt safe. It didn't matter that the sheets got all messed up, or that I couldn't sleep sideways, or that I didn't have all the pillows to myself; when I rolled over, he scooped me up in his arms and I laid on his chest. I may or may not have drooled on his chest, but he didn't complain. He said I still looked pretty, even without a stitch of make-up, without all my accessories, without all my armor. I had forgotten what having a guy in my bed even felt like. Time slowed down for just a little bit.

I need that.

It didn't work out with Tattoo Guy and I don't really know what happened but it doesn't even matter, because I realized today while folding polos at JCPenney (my "real job" as my mom calls it), that I NEED that. Not HIM, but THAT.

I need that. Call me crazy, call me a hypocrit, call me anti-feminist, call me whatever you want.

I need that.