Coincidence?

"Four years or so ago
I rode a pony
Called him "Truth"

We didn't know the way
So it took us 'till today
To get here"
-- The Weepies

So here comes the snow. I think Emporia got about 2 feet of snow.

This being Kansas and all the snow came after an absolutely PERFECT blue, cloudless sky spring day with it being warm enough to wear a dress or skirt as long as you had...you guessed it: a CARDIGAN on.

My Roomie and I decided to go to Lawrence. We have had many adventures in Lawrence, Roomie and I. So many crazy times involving light-up shot glasses, friend's couches, crazy curly hair, late nights, and sining songs at the top of our lungs. Lawrence is a place filled with fond memories.

We did some shopping.

I don't really have the money to shop but I needed a bit of a pick-me-up. I think what has really been holding me back all this time is a lack of confidence. I used to be bursting with it. I had this cocky, sassy charm. I used to say that I could get any guy I wanted with my personality.....sometimes I miss that girl, who used to say things like that (and truth be told, she was right, but I should stop talking about myself in the third person now).

Now I'm guarded, and a bit judgemental.

No, a new safari-style shirt-dress can't change what's happened in the last four years or so, but maybe a new dress AND a new top, AND spending time with your best friend might.

Well, it doesn't. But that girl I used to know; the girl who started college with wide eyes and rose-colored glasses may be gone, but a new, happier, just as confident, and just as joyful one is emerging. I can feel it. Not all the time, but when the sun comes out, on days like that, I definitely do.

As we were leaving Lawrence Roomie and I were talking about all these good times we had and I started feeling really sentimental. I said, "Ya know, we'll never have times like that again, here in Lawrence."

Roomie replied, "Yeah, but maybe they weren't supposed to last forever, we wouldn't appreciate them if we could have them all the time."

Me, "But then I start thinking, what if that time in my life has passed? Maybe I'm getting too old to randomly get in the car and have an adventure. I mean, I wouldn't want to keep doing some of the things we did, that was just crazy, but I want to keep being a bit reckless and I don't want to lose my sense of fun and spontaneity. I never want to stop having adventures."

Roomie, "You won't. You'll still have adventures, they'll just be different."

I almost teared up, but I didn't.

I've been having dreams a lot lately. In the past few years I've started having these vivid, horrifying nightmares, but the one's I've had lately haven't been like that. In these dreams I've been pregnant, which I admit to some might be horrifying (and even to me, at this point in my life), but I am always so happy in these dreams. Just ridiculously, serenly happy. I've never been one to get a real kick out of babies or anything but in my dreams I am always with a guy who is so excited that I am pregnant that it fills me with this joy as big as my oversize belly.

I asked Roomie what she thought it all meant, she said that dreams of being pregnant symbolize a turning point in your life. That makes sense, I am definitely embarking on a new, Kansas-free journey, and it is exhilirating, and a little scary, and sometimes even a bit sad. Just like Lawrence, I will never be able to get back those wheat-colored summer days in Small Town, KS where I didn't have a care or a fear in the world. But now, right now, I have the chance to keep living my dreams instead of dreaming them (not the pregnant ones, the successful artist ones). What a wonderful opportunity.

I think there is something to be learned from old-Tricia: That charm, enthusiasm, determination, and a sense of humor can get you whatever you want, as long as you believe it can. I do. Or, at least I will from now on.

I've always had this view that everything happens for a reason.
I decided to clean my room today and found 50 bucks. No joke.

I decided to watch romantic comedies all day and posted it to my facebook wall. Not something I would usually have as a status but I'm beginning to care less and less about the opinions of others and more about my opinion of myself. Giant Guy left me a comment that he was doing something similar, watching John Hughes movies. He also pointed out that we have the same birthday. That is CRAZY to me. I've NEVER met anyone with the same birthday as myself. My Mom's birthday is the day before mine and I've always said that it is a sign of our cosmic, unbreakable connection to each other. It just so happens that I find this out when I 've been thinking a lot about Giant Guy. Like, I can't get this guy outta my head and I don't know why because I don't think I'm really interested in him.

Truth be told though, wouldn't it be fun, since he's Actor Ex's good friend, to start a little drama before I left? Just for kicks? Stir the pot a little....

It'd be interesting to read about, that's for sure.

Who knows what it all means?

Or, is it just coincidence?

Maybe.

But I don't really believe in coincidences.

"And all this time
I felt just fine
I held so many people in my suitcase heart
That I had to let the whole thing go
It was taken by the wind and snow
And I still didn't know
That I was waiting
For a girl on a slow pony home."
--The Weepies