"I feel so gay in a melancholy way...."

"That it might as well be spring" --Rogers and Hammerstein

Spring has sprung.

And it sucks.


Don't get me wrong, I like spring. It's what I like to call "cardigan weather." You don't need a coat but you can't go out without a cardigan and that is my favorite time of year mostly because cardigans are my favorite item of clothing (seriously, my pseudo phone boyf got me a pair of chucks that say "I heart Cardigans"). Everything is coming back to life and the long lost sun emerges from it's winter hibernation. Flowers bloom and the mating season begins.

Bleck.


I can tell it's spring because everyone on facebook is in love. This one girl I went to community college with is so happy and in love she started a blog with her new husband. It's all about them playing board games and cooking and planning on having a baby....excuse me, I need to go throw up.

Okay, okay. As a recent blogger myself who am I to judge what other people want to blog about? Well, it's not just that. It's the sickeningly cute statuses (Omg , I can't believe it's been a year! So in love!), the even cuter couple pictures, and all those damn hearts people are putting on comments, posts, etc. It's enough to make a single girl (or for that matter, a reasonable human being) want to upchuck the off-brand ice cream she's drowning her dateless sorrows in.

By the way, never, EVER check your ex's new girlfriend's facebook. Or your ex's for that matter. Even if it's been a long time, even if YOU broke it off (like that really matters in the long run), even if you're kinda friends.....JUST DON'T DO IT. Also, if they've been dating for over five months, she's not the "new girlfriend" she's just the girlfriend. Deal with it.

So, enough bitching for once, eh?

I've had some good news recently. I got into graduate school. And not just any graduate school but a ridiculously good one that only takes 2 people a year. Just two. And I am one of them.

My most recent ex just quit his job working the night shift at some retail store and can't even get into a community theater show (did I mention he's an actor? feel free to insert any vain, egotistical stereotype...it fits), but he's been dating a girl for about a year now and is hopelessy in love. She's perfect, she's the one, she's everything I'm not. (personally I think he has a dependency complex)

I worked my ass off to get into grad school. Spent tons of time and money. There were buttloads of stress and even some tears, but I did it. I kind of knew I would though, because that's just how I am. I set a goal, work ridiculously hard, and achieve it.

But I'm not happy.

Oh, I guess I'm happy. I have lots of friends, I've been doing professional theater, I have a "real job" I don't hate, and I am going places.

But sometimes.....and more than usual lately, I've been wondering who's really the successful one. I've always focused on me and my goals and my career. I get a high off being the best I can be, but my awards and accomplishments don't play with my hair until I fall asleep. They don't kiss me on my forhead for no reason. They don't tell me that I'm beautiful even if my dress from last summer doesn't fit anymore.

What if I put all this effort that I've put into the rest of my life into a relationship? What would happen?

Would I lose sight of my goals? Would I be wasting my time? Would I be held back from the things I really want in life?

Or would I be happy?

I guess we'll never know.

But I reminded of something my friend Dale, who directed me in a show last summer and with whom I have kept in contact with, said to me:
"It's hard for people who are in theater to marry non-theater people or people outside the arts because they just don't understand that sometimes you love your job more than them."

Those words rang so true to me.

I guess I'll just have to find someone who can live with that.

Or maybe, just maybe.....I'll have to find someone who makes me not want to live like that.